The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday 29 November 2017

The Bill Is In!

Britain, confident in its glorious future as a trading super power, has told the EU that it is willing to pay £57 billion in order to leave the EU. Of course that means that the £135 million per week for the NHS will have to wait a bit (8 years) as we pay this off but it is small price to pay to get a really good trading deal. Like the one we've already got for instance. Rich people, like those who make up the majority of the Tory party, needn't worry though since it is those who are not rich who will be paying the taxes needed to meet the divorce bill. In the meantime the rich can break out the champagne since they will dodge the EU Anti-Tax Evasion Directive that comes into force in 2019 (Phew, that was a close call!) Jeremy Hunt was quick to get behind the deal as he revisited the idea of clawing back money from NHS workers for weekend work. Meanwhile, having successfully redacted much of the information in the government's own dismal assessment of Britain's economic future after leaving the EU, David Davis has reiterated that Parliament will have a "meaningful" say on the final Brexit settlement inasmuch as they can either accept it or take the blame for not getting any kind of deal. (Phew, yet another bullet dodged by the Tory party). There can be no doubt, however, that this deal is a triumph for the Tory party. Reports tonight suggest that streets across the nation have filled with deliriously happy Brexiteers all celebrating making themselves less well off by several thousand pounds per year. "We've got control of our borders at last" one breathless celebrant told our reporter. "And we've got a Royal wedding to look forward to in May". Asked about Meghan Markle our interviewee replied, "She's got a bloody good sun tan and Americans are not really foreigners are they?" Only the vexed question of the border between Northern Ireland and Eire now stands in the way of Britain's glorious future but the Tories are confident of finding a fudge that will fool everyone long enough to carry out Brexit before the truth catches up with them.

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