Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Britain's best organised criminal gang, Parliament, have given themselves a surprise present today by suddenly finding out that they won't have to pay more for their pensions after all. While millions of public sector workers have had their pensions downgraded to the derisive levels of those in the private sector, MP's won't be suffering with the rest of us. We asked a member of the Parliamentary Privileges Committee for his reaction; "Well, it wouldn't be a privilege to serve as an MP if it wasn't for all the privileges now would it? People have to realise that MP's are a special case. We have to work very hard, sometimes for several weeks every year, taking tough decisions that have no effect on us at all. Faced with agonising choices between helping ordinary people or grabbing as much for ourselves as possible, we often have to think about it for several minutes before reluctantly concluding that the fair thing to do is enrich ourselves. No one could be more surprised than me that voting to give ourselves a better pension that anyone else in the country would benefit me in any way. It was just one of those things. Very soon now we'll be faced with the difficult decision to vote ourselves a pay rise and I fear that we'll have no choice but to reluctantly make ourselves richer once again. If it wasn't for our expenses most of us wouldn't be able to stand the stress and would be forced to resign and accept unfeasibly large severance settlements.
Monday, 25 February 2013
Europe has been where it is today once before. In 1848 a wave of liberal revolution swept through the continent as the people, tired of the restrictions imposed on them by their "betters", rose against the establishment and demanded change. Like most revolutions it was largely without direction and was largely leaderless. The unrest that can felt today is similarly directionless and lacks leadership. In 1848 the liberal revolution was effectively hijacked by conservatives who replaced the yearning for freedom with something that was at least concrete - nationalism - and we all know where that led. For the next one hundred years Europe did its best to annihilate itself. The most outstanding figure in this period was Otto von Bismarck who took a rudderless liberal revolution and created a new nation state - Germany. Today conservatives across Europe are desperate to emulate his success, preaching the need for us to endure austerity while they enjoy what little wealth is left, turning us against ourselves while they remain unscathed. Like so many political surfers, leaders like Cameron are trying to ride the revolutionary wave while the rest of us are left to flounder and, eventually, drown. Bismarck did have something to offer, even if it was nothing more than an illusion, but what can Cameron and the rest of the conservatives in Europe offer us? The answer is quite simple - nothing. What we need is a bigger surfboard that we can all ride.
Sunday, 24 February 2013
It can be very difficult to understand what, if anything, Nick Clegg actually stands for. While it is true that there is no principle he won't sacrifice to hang on to the shadow if not the substance of power, what he actually thinks remains a total mystery. In fact so mysterious is it that Clegg himself doesn't seem to know what he thinks. Take this latest scandal over Chris Rennard. At first Clegg told us he knew nothing about it but it then transpired that he had been told about it four years ago. He then countered with the politicians favourite reply that he "didn't know the specifics." So what, exactly, did he know or not know? According to him he must have been informed about "something." How did the conversation go? Political Aide; "Mr Clegg we have some bad news about Chris Rennard." Nick Clegg "Oh dear, what can it possibly be?" Political Aide; "We don't actually know. But it seems to have sexual overtones." Nick Clegg; "What has been said about poor old Chris." Political Aide; "We don't know but it might be serious." Nick Clegg; "Who is making the claims?" Political Aide; "We don't know that either." Nick Clegg; "Oh my God its worse than I thought. Whatever you do don't tell me any more." Political Aide; "Any more about what?" Nick Clegg; "Chris Rennard." Political Aide; "Chris Rennard? My God what's he done?" Nick Clegg; "I don't know." Political Aide; "Oh well, that's all right then."
For those amongst us who can't imagine what the alternative to rewarding the banks for crashing the world economy might be look at the picture above. It was taken in Iceland as the people there said an emphatic "NO" to picking up the bank's bad debts and "NO" to their politicians who wanted to put them in debt for the rest of their lives. Essentially the people of Iceland quite rightly pointed out that the banks are private companies and do not have an automatic right to public funds in order to avoid the consequencies of their own mistakes. Nor do politicans have the right to impoverish their own citizens simply to protect their wealthy mates. There hasn't been much time devoted to this story over the last five years as the media have concentrated instead on the so-called "Arab Spring." They wouldn't like you to know too much about it because, unlike the "Arab Spring," the Icelandic revolution has been a resounding success. Not only have the Icelandic people told the banks and their political sidekicks to take a hike, it has been recognised that, under international law, they had a perfect right to do so. This is what the soveriegnty of the people means. In Britain and elsewhere across the world politicians have demonstrated quite clearly that they have no interest in the soveriegnty of the people, they care only about their rich cronies in the banks and in protecting their own priviliged positions. The media have been compicit in this confidence trick that they like to call "government" and it is hight time that this story was given the publicity it demands. It is time to wipe the scum off the top of the political brew once and for all.
Saturday, 23 February 2013
George Osborne, known affectionally to his friends as "Bonehead", has finally achieved his goal of destroying Britain's credit rating. "It was an uphill struggle," George told our reporter. "First I had to stop and then reverse the recovery that Labour had so carelessly allowed. Then I had to flatten the economy by taking out all the demand, stoke up inflation, increase the national debt and, at the same time, make sure that we didn't export anything. Now the banks have rewarded me by reducing our credit rating from AAA to AA1. Its all very exciting and goes to prove my theory that a country doesn't have to be rich to enjoy itself. Look at me - I'm poor, down to my last £20 million, but I'm as happy as Larry. Those who are still in work can now look forward to paying ever-increasing prices for rent, power and fuel while their children will be celebrating having no prospects. At last we are close to creating the Tory paradise we've always wanted - the one in which I and my rich mates don't pay tax and the rest of you can't afford to eat. Now if we can only actually win a general election we can start really motoring, which, given the price of petrol, is more than the rest of you scum can do. We're already warming up the argument that the economic problems are so dire that we'll have to flog off the NHS to cover the overdraft. I'm so happy I could burn a peasant."
Friday, 22 February 2013
Iain Duncan Smith has ordered an investigation into how benefit changes are impacting the disabled. Has the most evil man in British politics seen the light? We asked him for a statement; "There's a rumour going around that my benefit reforms might be unpopular amongst real human beings and I am determined to mount an investigation so the whole question can be kicked into the long grass. My own personal opinion is that the impact on the useless cripples in this country isn't severe enough. All right-thinking Christians like me know that physical deformity and accidental disablement are punishments from God and it is our duty to drive such people into destitution to show them up for the sinners they are. God has told me that I shouldn't be paying tax just to help support useless people in our society because, as everyone knows, God is a Tory. But I haven't just taken His word for and have taken advice from a wide-ranging and diverse number of Tories. They all agree with me, which can't be a coincidence. Some people have doubted my sanity but I've received reassurance from good friend Napoleon who I talk to almost as much as I talk to God. All-in-all I think I'm absolutely right about everything and, with all humility, can claim to be the natural succesor the Jesus Christ. How else can you explain the huge number of people who mutter "Jesus Christ" whenever I speak?"
Tuesday, 19 February 2013
Journalists have been happily bashing Trade Unions now for years. You've seen the sort of thing - headlines and editorials telling us that "the looney left" are at it again, inconveniencing railway passengers or leaving bereft parents with nowhere to take their kids when they go to work. Trade Union leaders have been hounded, had their home addresses given out, given the title of "Red" this or that and had fun poked at them for not having cut-glass accents. The BBC were not much better, continually harping on about "the winter of discontent" and accusing them of being "socialists" - apparently the worst of all crimes. All this has apparently been forgotten as BBC journalists now find that their jobs are at risk. Suddenly unemployment has ceased to be a "price worth paying" and Trade Unions, at least theirs, are heroically striving to save the country from a fate worse than death - not enough news coverage. Where will we all be without the continual stream of drivel that accompanies such events as Royal Weddings, Prince Philip coming and going in and out of various hospitals and the interminable coverage of endless football and cricket matches? Perhaps we might get some real news for a change - you know, things like why Iceland is doing better than most countries after jailing the bankers and politicians who bankrupted their country. Perhaps we might get a little more sympathy for the poor, disabled and unemployed instead of an endless stream of "Would the Minister like to tall us all how wonderful he is?" Perhaps, but somehow I doubt it.
Monday, 18 February 2013
After several months of propaganda and scare stories in the press about the inequities of human rights legislation the reason has suddenly become clear today. As several charities, themselves under attack by the Tories and their LibDem lackeys, pointed out, food poverty in Britain is now so bad that the government is in danger of failing to meet its international human rights obligations to its own people. No wonder then that Cameron and his fellow crooks want to ditch the legislation - after all if there's no fault there's no foul. Little wonder as well that Cameron kept his promise to visit a foodbank by using the backdoor and only when there was no one, other than the press that is, to see him. The Tories are literally starving people in order to make their rich mates richer and protect the only charity cases they recognise - bankers. This is the reality of the phrase "We're all in this together." They are in clover and we are in ever-increasing poverty. Make no mistake this is a crime and should be treated as such by the international community. Cameron and his henchmen are no better than any other bunch of crooks masquerading as politicians in some Middle-East dictatorship and should be treated just the same. Pretending that the this country is "democratic" in any real sense of the word should not be enough for them to hide from their crimes.
Iain Duncan Smith, a man who lied about his CV and has never done a real day's work in his life, has spent the day disparaging peasants with ideas above their station. He simply cannot understand why a young woman who has put herself into life-long debt to get a degree in geology doesn't want to stack shelves. After all Britain has done very well out of a class system that has wasted the talent of ordinary people for centuries hasn't it? IDS was actually making a serious point. There is, he was arguing, a class of people in this country who by birth are fitted for political greatness and he's one of them. He has a point. No one did more than him to keep the Tory party out of power for more than a decade and no one is working harder than him to make sure they remain unelectable in the future. For this alone he has my undying gratitude. But is IDS himself too good to stack shelves? Alas no - he's actually completely unqualified for the job since he lacks the integrity, intelligence or the work ethic necessary and is a dedicated scrounger of epic ability. A miserable excuse for a human being, he hides behind a facade of religious belief to indulge his vicious little fantasies and, as such, is a natural Tory. Undoubtedly, when he eventually leaves politics, he will be offered a leading role in some criminal organisation such as a bank and will continue his career as an overpaid lump of wood.
Sunday, 17 February 2013
It was perhaps inevitable that when choosing his cabinet Cameron would look for the most inappropriate people on offer in order to divert attention away from his own incompetence. Thus Iain Duncan Smith, a man who lied on his own CV and a religious madman without an ounce of Christian charity in his entire body, was put in charge of work and pensions, while Andrew Lansley, a greedy self-serving conman, was put in charge of the nation's health. The list of morons, madmen and swivel-eyed nutters in Cameron's government is almost endless, but his greatest triumph was in putting Michael Gove in charge of Education. This philistine has now unveiled his education policy and, as expected, it is a litany of Tory prejudice and yearning for a return to 19th century "values." History has been given special attention and, consulting with the likes of such "experts" as Lord Ashcroft who is to history what Saddam Hussein was to international harmony, he has come up with a curriculum fit only for the rubbish bin of history. Lessons are to concentrate on "Great Men" such as Clive of India and Benjamin Disraeli and British history is to be the central feature. Basically our children are to be fed a diet of jingoism so they can understand our special position in the world - a position that disappeared, along with the Empire, nearly a century ago. This, Gove tells us, will fit our children to the modern world - the Tory one in which China doesn't exist, disillusioned little brown people beg us to re-establish the Empire and the world awaits with baited breath for our next high-tech innovation. No wonder the Tory candidate for Eastleigh, Maria Hutchings, feels that state education is not "good enough" for her son. It isn't and it won't be good enough for our children either after Gove has finished with it.
Saturday, 16 February 2013
The Tories are becoming increasingly worried as the polls show that women are becoming increasingly hostile to them. We asked a Tory spokesman for the party view; "I have one piece of advice for the little ladies in the country - calm down dear. Just because we are destroying their children's education, throwing their husbands out of work and stealing their parent's money there is no reson for them to stop supporting us. They should take a deep breath, make themselves a nice cup of tea and put their trust in us. If not we'll have no alternative but to take away their right to the vote. I recommend reading more Mills & Boon - the sort in which the rich handsome landowner gives the heroine a good seeing to and then throws her a few coins to show how fair-minded and generous he is. That's what the women of this country need - a good f*****g and we're definitely the party for that. We'll f**k anyone for a quid." Meanwhile we asked women still willing to vote Tory for their view. 90% told us "I don't really understand politics and vote the way my husband does" while the other 10% told us "I vote Tory because I'm rich and don't like peasants."
Friday, 15 February 2013
While the rest of us are worrying about horsemeat in our bugers and seahorse in our fish fingers, the Tories are celebrating yet another triumph of deregulation. We asked a Tory spokesman for the party's reaction; "We think its marvelous how the criminal fraternity has responded so positively to the deregulation of the food industry and shown the creative ways in which entrepeneurs can add value to our society. Many people have asked where the government has been in all this and we are delighted to say that it was as far away as possible. There's lots of loose talk at the moment about the number of food inspectors we've sacked recently but why do we need them? After all its not as if rich people eat rubbish like this is it? Peasants deserve to eat rotten food because they are poor. At the end of the day its all about choice and we think that choosing between crap food and starvation is character-building if you are poor and, therefore, undeserving. Personally I'd feed them dog food if I though I could make an extra quid or pay less tax. We see this as a definite vote-winner as the fair-minded people in Britain increasingly recognise the fairness of punishing poor people until they give up being penniless and become doctors, barristers, bankers and the CEO's of multinational companies. We're so excited about the success of this that we would like to extend deregulation to the pharmaceutical industry, children's homes and, of course, the banks."