The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday 17 August 2012

New Tory Right Calls For The Party To Be Rebranded as Death Wish2".

The new Tory right - those who came into Parliament in 2010 - have called on David Cameron to embrace their new, modern and completely insane policy ideas and rename the party "Death Wish 2". Describing the old Tory right as a "busted flush" five Tory MP's - Kwasi Kwarteng, Priti Patel, Dominic Raab, Chris Skidmore and Elizabeth Truss - have described the British as lazy and workshy and advised us all to adopt the work ethic of Asia. For their part they intend to do exactly that - sweeping away democracy for the benefits accrued by such outstanding regimes as China and North Korea. While calling for more sweatshops in Britain where we can all be worked to death for a pittance, they have put the blame for our present economic woes on the welfare state which has encouraged idleness and a "something for nothing" culture. The banks, having mysteriously become suddenly blameless, should be deregularised even more than they have been already while taxes for the obscenely wealthy should be further cut. Just how this differs from the "old" Tory right is rather difficult to explain, mainly because it is exactly the same tired old mantras that wrecked our economy and society in the first place. Nor does their utterly purile analysis extend to themselves since they are plainly too idle to think of anything new to say. Indeed their only real claim to novelty seems to lie in their willingness to say such ridiculous things out loud rather than whispering them to each other in the dark back rooms of Tory HQ and well away from the electorate. In his defence David Cameron told our reporter; "I'm being as nasty and stupid as I can be. What these people don't seem to realise is that there is a limit to the idiotic things you can say about the electorate before they realise what you're up to and stop voting for you."

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