Friday, 30 March 2012
With the news that one woman has been badly burned the question arises as to what Francis Maude thought he was doing when he urged people to hoard petrol in jerrycans. Was it simply stupidity on his part or an unthinking moment when he said something that, if he had thought about it, he would never have said at all? Apparently not, as the follwing extract from the explaination given by the government to its constituency associations plainly shows; “This is our Thatcher moment. In order to defeat the coming miners’ strike, she stockpiled coal. When the strike came, she weathered it, and the Labour Party, tarred by the strike, was humiliated. In order to defeat the coming fuel drivers’ strike, we want supplies of petrol stockpiled. Then, if the strike comes, we will weather it, and Labour, in hock to the Unite union, will be blamed.” Francis Maude's comments were simply a cynical ploy to score political points from Labour and he didn't care that it put people's lives at risk or that it could damage the country. And that sums up the Tories view of politics. There is no thought about what is best for the country, no empathy for the vast majority of its people and no regard for anything other than themselves. We are there to be manipulated, mislead and hoodwinked, useful only inasmuch as we provide the taxes that are necessary to fill their pockets and those of their wealthy mates. As the "News In Shorts" has always maintained, they regard us as peasants.
Thursday, 29 March 2012
It is normally quite rare for a government to demonstrate quite clearly that it is corrupt, stupid and incompetent all in the same week. Even this present Tory administration usually spaces out its scandals, gaffs and sheer idiocy over longer periods of time, but seems to have gone into overdrive this week. The catalyst seems to have been the budget in which they openly favoured their rich mates. Unable to believe they could get away with being so breathtakingly unfair and idiotic, they seem to have gone bananas. The week began with a scandal that would have most governments on the ropes - the party treasurer openly boasting that his party and his government are a bunch of corrupt criminals. Then came the gaff over cornish pasties in which David Cameron told a casual lie in a half-hearted attempt to show that just an ordinary bloke and that, after all the contrary evidence, we're still in this together. Not content with this Francis Maude just couldn't resist causing a nation-wide panic over fuel supplies for no discernable reason except his eagerness to bash the unions again. Just when the corruption scandal seemed to melt into the background with all this government nonsense going on, it was revealed that Andrew Mitchell, the International Development Secretary, has large investments in tax-dodging companies. Then, to cap it all, the OECD has announced that Britain is now officially back in recession and is not expected to recover any time soon. How on earth did Britain manage to scrape together so many morons in one government?
Wednesday, 28 March 2012
Ian Duncan Smith, arguably the most evil man in British politics since the last Ice Age, has been slammed by Parliament’s Joint Committee on Human Rights for a deliberately botched consultation over changes to disability benefits in which public concerns were completely ignored. Under normal circumstances this would be bad enough, but the death toll that is the result of his attack on the weak and vulnerable still continues to rise. We asked the Minister for Killing the Disabled for his view; "I don't accept that ignoring the impact assessment that has resulted in 150 deaths has anything to do with human rights. Useless people such as criples and the terminally ill are not really human and killing them is a duty rather than a crime. The main thing is that George Osborne was able to give tax breaks to those wealthy mates of ours who bankroll our criminal activities because of the money we've saved by killing these impediments to growth. The people of this country will thank me when we can do away with all those disabled parking spaces at the supermarket and we've gotten rid of all those cripled family members who annoy and embarass them. Did I mention that I'm a Christian and that, therefore, anything I do is sanctioned by God? I would also like to point out that God is a Tory and doesn't like crippled hangers-on or rich people paying taxes."
In what has become a burning question in British politics, doubts have been thrown on David Cameron's story about eating a Cornish Pasty at Leeds railway station. "There hasn't been a cornish pasty outlet at Leeds railway station for five years," Jeremy Paxman told a disbelieving British public tonight. "This is a class issue," a Labour party spokesman informed us gravely. "But it is also an issue of trust. How can you believe anything this government says if the Prime Minister will lie about a thing like this?" We asked David Cameron for his comments; "Of course I've never eaten a bloody pasty. Do I look like a peasant? In fact I bought a brace of pheasants, a stilton and a bottle of bubbly that day on expenses - and it wasn't from a bloody railway station. As for this being a matter of trust - I'm a Tory and have to lie to get any votes at all for Christ's sake. We raised vat on hot pasties because none of the cabinet eat that sort of peasant crap and neither do our rich mates. Thank God oysters are eaten cold."
Adrian Beecroft, head of the disgusting loan shark company Wongo.com and whose only qualifications are that he is a smug, self-satisfied millionaire who has donated £593,000 to the Tory party, wants to take all rights from workers. "I should be allowed to sack unproductive workers at will," he claims. "And I will decide who is productive or not - including that little blonde bitch in the office who won't let me bonk her." Somewhat apalled this reporter, having been sacked myself at the age of 18 because I rebuffed the homosexual advances of the Managing Director, asked a Tory party spokesperson for their reaction; "We think this is a wonderful idea. With bosses being able to wander around, throwing their weight about and sacking people at will, productivity will go through the roof as the peasants are motivated by terror to do exactly as they're told. Productivity is bound to rise, as recent experience in the banking industry demonstrates. In that industry bosses have been encouraged to act in a clinically insane manner and look how successful that was." David Cameron is reported to be very enthusiastic about the "idea" and wanted, at one stage, to wave it through Parliament without delay. Meanwhile the LibDems are claiming that this facist piece of legisaltion was only stopped because they opposed it. Apparently the threat of a general strike made no impression on Tory morons at all.
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
The Budget contained a little hidden gem for George Osborne's rich mates it has been revealed today. Buried on page 63 and in the middle of a paragraph was a short line about tax allowances for the spouses of millionaires who are not domiciled in Britain. The change allows them transfer their entire £325,000 inheritence tax allowance to their spouses living abroad. We asked George Osborne, the Chief Spiv in the Tory party, why, at a time of austerity for most of us, this was necessary; "My chief reason was because I was afraid that the EU might mount a legal challenge. Not that they've said they would or even indicated that they know or care about the previous limits that Britain had placed on such transfers. Still, its better to be safe than sorry and you know how we Tories worry about what the EU thinks. I would also like to point out that this has nothing to do with all those lunches that David had with various millionaires who just so happen to have partners who, by coincidence, happen to live in foreign tax havens."
Monday, 26 March 2012
Francis Maud, standing in for the PM who, as usual, was strangely absent when faced with real trouble, has told Parliament that the "cash for influence" scandal is all Labour's fault. "If Labour would simply agree to cut their own throat and disallow donations from the unions, we wouldn't have to accept bribes to get cash. It's unfair that they have millions of people contributing to their party while we only have a few wealthy and selfish individuals who will only give us money if we reward them in the budget. We, on this side of the house, are very enthusiastic about reform of the donation system as long as we can still keep getting backhanders. As it is all any of the electorate have to do is give £10,000 and we'll listen to them otherwise they can bog off. I am at a complete loss to understand why members of the Tory party keep claiming that you can buy influence with the government for £250,000. It's absolutely true, of course, but I don't understand why they keep talking about it and getting us into trouble."
While David Cameron hastily announces more money for reserach into dementia to distract attention from the donations scandal, Rupert Murdoch has taken the opportunity to remind the British people that he actually runs the country. He has joined with Labour to call for an independent enquiry into Tory party funding and has lectured us all that it is a matter of "trust." Pot calling the kettle black aside, he has a good point. Meanwhile Cameron is stoutly resisting all demands that his supper guest list should be publicised as Francis Maude denies the story completely. "It is nonsense," he told reporters, "to believe that the PM invites people to supper for money." This is a somewhat strange claim since the Tory website actually publishes the "donation" expected for just such an invitation complete with discount for booking on-line. The Tory party as a whole has been reduced to jumping up and down shouting "Labour get their money from the unions," as if that is some sort of secret that none of us know about and that it is of itself sinister. If there is one thing this latest scandal tells us it is that the Tory party is funded almost wholly by bribes from rich businessmen looking for personal advantage at our expense. It is illegal, or should be, and, in a democracy, is more than just a little sinister. The Tory party is not a political party in the normal sense of the word, it is nothing more or less than a criminal enterprise - a protection racket for the rich and loathsome.
Sunday, 25 March 2012
David Cameron was finally tracked down today in his "Sport Relief" togs and asked about that unfortunate Peter Cruddas business. The PM described the claims made by Mr.Cruddas as "completely unacceptable" and then went on the tell viewers that "I took over a party with £20 million of debt. It's now virtually debt-free." The "News in Shorts" found both comments to be rather puzzling - after all we already know that people like Mr.Cruddas peddling interviews with members of the government is unacceptable, and the fact the Tory party is no longer in debt after less than two years in power is hardly a surprise. So we asked the PM for a further comment about the more than apparent corruption in his party; "Corruption? What corruption? I did wonder who all these people are that I keep meeting over lunch and why they want to talk to me. I never talk to anyone about anything important and the fact that these people keep waiving money in my face is a total mystery to me. Its very nice of them to slip me the odd £250,000, but I can't imagine why they would want to. As for Mr.Cruddas, I don't know who he is, what he does or why he would make the extraordinary claims that he does. I can only assume that, like Liam Fox, he is a Walter Mitty character who has no place in the modern Tory party until I can find him another job and slip him back in when no one's looking."
The whole of Westminster is in shock today after the latest bribery scandal - not at the fact that it goes on, but at the fact that Peter Cruddas was so easily found out. Having resigned, in an eerie re-run of the Liam Fox scandal, on the basis of giving an "impression of impropriety" while shouting loudly that "no laws have been broken," Mr.Cruddas remains safe from prosecution while the Tories are collectively shoving their hands in their pockets, staring up at the sky and whistling as loudly as possible. We asked Mr.Cruddas for his view; "I'm very sorry that every word I said to the Sunday Times should have given the wrong impression. However, I would like to point out that, since the company the Times pretended to represent doesn't actually exist and couldn't therefore actually give me any money, no law was actually broken. I say this in the interests of fairness and in the interests of staying out of prison. I often promise things I can't deliver to various companies and assorted criminals and, of course, no money ever actually changes hands, while any influence these companies wield is purely coincidental. All in all this problem doesn't actually exist - it merely appears to exist because people like me continually give the wrong impression for no apparent reason. I hope that clears the matter up." We asked the Tory party for its comment; "Labour gets its money from evil communist unions bent on world domination you know. We, on the other hand, get no money whatsoever from anyone - especially we don't get money from lobbyists, Russian oligarchs, or anyone trying to bribe us. Nor do we allow comapnies to set policy. All the evil and stupid things we do are purely our own idea and it is mere coincidence that companies appear to benefit after giving us money that doesn't actually exist. In fact it has long been a complete mystery to us as to where our money comes from and, whatever we're being accused of, we have no idea what you are talking about."
Tory party co-treasurer Peter Cruddas, pictured above, has been caught in a Sunday Times "sting" peddaling influence to anyone wealthy enough to afford the price. According to Mr.Cruddas; "Two hundred grand to 250 is Premier League....when we talk about your donations the first thing we want to do is get you at the Cameron/Osborne dinners. You do really pick up a lot of information and when you see the Prime Minister, you're seeing David Cameron, not the Prime Minister. But within that room everything is confidential - you can ask him practically any question you want. If you're unhappy about something, we will listen to you and put it into the policy committee at number 10 - we feed all feedback to the policy committee." The Tory party was quick to deny that they were accepting bribes to allow wealthy "donators" to influence policy, but their opposition to capping "donations" from wealthy individuals is well known. Now it is fully understood. It has always been obvious that the Tories are corrupt - indeed their very existence is only explicable in terms of widespread corruption - but they have also always been very good at disguising it. Mr.Cruddas, arrogant to the point of stupidity, has blown that cover and Tory corruption has been laid bare for all to see. The only question is what, if anything, will be done about it? My money is on "absolutely nothing."
Saturday, 24 March 2012
Chris Grayling, Employment Minister and one of the Tories leading numbskulls, has decided that a new computer system for implimenting Ian Duncan Smith's latest spiteful little plan will be developed and run in India. We asked the Minister, shown above inspecting a graphic representation of Britain's society, for his view; "It was a no-brainer to be honest and, since I don't have a brain, it was the ideal solution as far as I'm concerned. You have to realise that being spiteful and vicious towards your own people is easier if you get foreigners to do the dirty work for you. The second point is that, as Minister for Employment, it is my duty to make sure unemployment remains high in Britain to force wages down and punish working people for not voting Tory when they're told to. I know that I said that any such projects would be designed and built in Britain but, as a Tory, I tell lies like that all the time." Meanwhile we asked Paul Macpherson, from Universal Credit Design Technology who are responsibe for opening "Delivery Centres" in India for his comments; "Using Indian labour will keep costs down and allow for work around the clock since these people are paid next to nothing for working 18 hours a day. It is very important that such expertise is encouraged in India to make absolutely sure that no working-class scum in this country ever get even a sniff of a job or any training that might give them ideas above their station. Now bugger off because I'm busy making loads of money for selling the country down the drain."
The Tory party has, in the wake of one of the most one-sided budgets ever foisted off onto the British people, begun to turn on George Osborne. Their anger is based on two things, neither of which has anything to do with fairness. The first point that has been raised is over the "granny tax." This inequitous piece of double-dealing is decidedly unfair, but the Tories are more worried that Osborne may have "softened" Tory support amongst the over-65's. This group not only tends to vote Tory because they're frightened of everything, they also rarely change their voting pattern unless they are really, really upset. Having your pockets picked does have a tendency to annoy people. The second point is that Osborne has deliberately cast aside the "we're all in this together" ploy and shown up the Tories for what they actually are - a bunch of rich people with no interest in anyone but themselves. This too might well cost them dear at the next election. But at least the Tories are living up to their reputation, not only for being stupid and selfish, but also for stabbing each other in the back at the drop of a hat. Toryism dolendum est!
Thursday, 22 March 2012
After the taunting by Ed Milliband after his budget, George Osborne has told the BBC that he is not a top rate of tax payer. His excuse is that his salary as Chancellor is less than £150,000 per year. Which rather begs the question as to how much tax he pays on his other multi-million pound earnings. We asked the world's first part time millionaire for an explaination; "Well, obviously I don't pay any tax on my other business activities because I am well placed to take advantage of the loopholes I've accidently left in the tax system. I have talked to myself about this but have been forced to conclude that closing the loopholes is not in the best interests of the country since it would cost me money. One of the reasons I got rid of the 50p top rate of tax is that I feel guilty about avoiding it and feel that avoiding paying 45p is much less reprehensible - not to mention much easier. Just because I happen to have millions of pounds doesn't make me rich. Compared to many bankers, for instance, I'm a relative pauper. However, the new higher stamp duty on property worth more than £2 million has caused me great personal suffering and has forced me to give up my hobby of buying a new mansion every week. Given that we're all in this together I felt I had no choice but to be tough on myself in the intrests of the nation. I'm practically a martyr."
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
George Osborne has today finally got rid of the 50p top rate of tax - a tax that both damaged Britain because it made rich people poorer and, at the same time, actually raised no money at all. Meanwhile, as quantum physicists wrestled with this seeming paradox, HMRC was readying itself to be overwhelmed by the super-rich queueing up to pay 45p in the pound. We asked one such super-rich businessman what he thought of the budget; "Reducing the top rate of tax to 45p means that I can't wait to pay my fair share of taxes and I intend to immediately drop all the clever ways I used to avoid paying 50p. Raising the stamp duty on houses worth more than £2 million has put a stop to my hobby of buying a new mansion every week, but even people like me can't have everything - can we?" Having given the super-rich a bonus of £3 billion (which according to George Osborne actually equals nothing), the Chancellor then raised taxes for pensioners which, by sheer coincidence, also came to £3 billion. We asked a pensioner for her view; "I'm so glad I voted Tory in the last election. That nice boy George Osborne has taken the money I need to pay my bills and given it to a few distressed rich people. I'm proud of him and proud that I can make my contribution to keeping rich people rich - its so nice to be useful and to be still wanted." The extra 3p on a litre of petrol was also greeted with cheers as this promised to reduce business profits, fuel inflation and throw even more people out of work. "This is a budget for ordinary people," the Chancellor told his cheering bankbenchers. "It's a pity all those ordinary people happen to live in China and India, but there you go." We also asked Nick Clegg for his view; "I'm sorry there's no one here to answer your questions at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep."
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
Ian Duncan Smith's pogrom against the weakest and most vulnerable in our society has, as far as he's concerned, begun to pay dividends. This cabinet minister, who has the sheer brass neck to describe himself as a Christian, is directly responsible for the deaths of 150 people so far. This body count is made up of both people who have killed themselves rather than face yet more deprevation and those who have died from "natural causes" such as heart attacks brought on by stress. It is the Tory equivalent of "the final solution," a deliberate and cynical attempt to rid the country of those the Tories consider to be useless. It includes both those born with disabilities and those who develop them later in life. In other words it can and might well happen to you or me. Meanwhile ATOS, the company appointed by IDS to do his dirty work for him, have been challenged successfully no less than 67% of the time with an attendant legal bill of £50 million. As a policy IDS's pogrom is both ethically indefensible and expensive and, in a civilized nation, would be deemed a crime against humanity. We are all standing aside while the state effectively commits murder. Toryism dolendum est!
Monday, 19 March 2012
Having begun the process of asset stripping the country during the 1980's, the present Tory-dominated government has embarked on a further round of privatisation that would make even Margaret Thatcher's eyes water. It is important for people to know what privatisation is all about. Essentially it is a means to dump services that are funded by taxation and flog it off to fat cats who will then cherry pick what they want and ignore the rest. For the government this has two major advantages - it means lower taxation for the rich and it means a short-term cash injection for the treasury. The assets themselves, the NHS, roads etc, are sold off to foreign investors whose only interest is making as much money as possible, have no vested interest in the country and couldn't care less about customer service. It is nothing more than a mechanism for parting ordinary people from their cash and handing it over to foreign business interests who pay no tax on their profiteering but are eager to hand over bundles of cash to the Tories in gratitude. Your country is effectively being shipped abroad at the behest of a tiny majority and, after the things that actually belong to us have been stolen, you will be expected to pay through the nose to use them for rest of your lives. There is a name for such businesses practices when carried out by a government - its called corruption - and is little better than treason. Toryism dolendum est!
David Cameron is warning that Britain is falling behind the rest of the world when it comes to robbing ordinary people of their money and wants to privatise the roads to squeeze even more out of us. "British roads, after decades of government corruption and neglect, are in a shocking state," he told our reporter. "But, worse yet, private enterprise has made hardly any money out of this and it has to stop. So, I've come up with yet another scheme that will transfer public money to private business and, let me tell you, my rich pals are all for it so it must be right. We did think of flogging off all the major roads and making them into tollroads but that simply means ordinary motorists will avoid them like the plague. So, instead, we plan to hand over all the money from the road fund licence to private businesses. I am confident that, after this is done, rich businessmen will be galvanized into ignoring the potholes in our roads as well, since they'll be too busy counting all their new riches. Another idea is to make it an offence for motorists to drive anywhere without a shovel and a boot full of tarmac or for them to drive past a pothole without filling it in. Our existing network of speed cameras can be used to spot offending drivers who ignore potholes - except if they're rich, greedy and stupid that is." Toryism dolendum est!
Having announced his distraction to the real purpose behind the budget, that he will "come down hard of rich people dodging stamp duty," George Osborne has been busy setting out his reasons for not taxing rich businessmen; "Essentially higher taxation deters business and enterprise because all businessmen are greedy and stupid. Having no idea how capitalism actually works, they won't even get out of bed unless we reward them with huge amounts of tax free money for doing as little as possible. It is because they are so greedy and stupid that we must reward them to attract the best kind of morons to these positions. There is a world competition going on the attract the greediest and most stupid and we have to compete with other countries who are too corrupt to have taxation to make sure we get our fair share of idiots. With no taxation to speak of as far as the rich are concerned, we have no alternative but to tax ordinary people to death. They are stupid too, inasmuch as they will stand by and let us do it. Of course, in the end, there will be no money left in the economy for ordinary people to buy things with and businessmen will soon find themselves out of business but, by then, they'll be even richer and won't care too much. I won't care because I'll be out of politics and will have retired to my beach villa in Florida or wherever. And that is how my budget will work in the interests of the nation - rewarding the greedy and stupid by taking money from the plain stupid." Toryism dolendum est!
Sunday, 18 March 2012
George Osborne hit the TV studios today (or at least the BBC studio) in order to plant his first red herring and persuade us all that he's being fair in the budget. "I intend to come down hard on rich people who try to avoid stamp duty when buying homes," he told Andrew Marr. Until today the super-rich avoiding stamp duty was never discused. The reason? Because it is not a major problem since, like the rest of us, the super-rich tend to buy a home and then live there. By and large they don't buy a new home every week, though they do avoid paying other taxes on a daily basis. Aware that he needs to throw a bone to an electorate eager to be fooled again, Osborne has picked the least lucrative of all the tax dodges that the super-rich enjoy. Then, having "come down hard" on the super-rich, he will cut their income tax bill by 20% and, hey presto, problem solved. Meanwhile he will go ahead with cutting the wages, benefits and tax credits of the poor, creating the low wage, high taxation economy that he dreams about. Don't be fooled by this slight of hand, Osborne is simply playing a shell game in which ordinary people will always lose. Toryism dolendum est!
Two hundred and fifty doctor's have signalled their willingness to hit the LibDems where it hurts - right in their constituencies. They plan to put up 50 candidates to target those treacherous LibDems who have supported Andrew Lansley's privatisation of the NHS - including Nick Clegg. We asked a LibDem spokesperson what the party makes of this reminder as to what democracy actually looks like; "It's ridiculous. We know what's best for the NHS - after all we've had our Tory pals to tell us. On the other hand what do these doctors know about parliamentary democracy? We in the LibDem party have all the necessary skills required of politicians - deceit, lying and ignoring the wishes of the electorate. Doctors, on the other hand, spend all their day trying to improve people's lives rather than finding clever ways to put more money into rich people's pockets. What's the use of that? No, all in all we're not worried and remain confident that we can weasal our way out of this. Perhaps we can change the law to ensure that only people with recognised qualifications in greed, avarice and an utter disregard for other people can stand for parliament? After all, who'd notice the difference?" - Toryism dolendum est!
In an unprecedented display of sheer vindictiveness George Osborne is planning to end national pay rates for the public sector. The plan is to pay civil servants and public workers "local rates of pay" and entrench the north-south economic divide as a permanent feature in Britain. A treasury spokesperson has described the measure as "ensuring the UK has a responsive, modern labour force" and as "pro-growth because it would help make the private sector become more competitive." A "responsive" labour force, of course, actually means a labour force that can be bullied at will and treated with contempt. The second statement is more difficult to interpret since taking even more demand out of an already ailing economy can hardly be described as "pro-growth." Nor does it give any clue as to how slashing wages in the public sector will help the private sector become more "competative." There is, in fact, no justification for this ideological attack on living standards and the only conclusion that can be drawn is that it is punishment handed out to northerners who have refused to vote Tory in order to cut their own throats. In effect the Tories have declared war on their fellow countrymen and will be completely responsible for any civil disturbances that occur as a result of their spiteful attack. From now on the "News In Shorts" will adapt Cato the Elder's famous epigram "Carthago dolendum est" (Carthage must be destroyed) - "Toryism dolendum est."
Saturday, 17 March 2012
As David Cameron and Andrew Lansley prepare to force through their privatisation of the NHS, the four main healthcare companies who lobbied tirelessly for it are preparing to avoid paying taxes on their anticiapted profits. They include Spire Healthcare, who made a profit in 2010 of £123 million but still managed to claim a loss of £53 million. Circle Health, who are registered in Jersey, the Cayman Islands and the British Virgin Islands. Ramsay Health Care, also registered in the Cayman Islands and The General Healthcare Group, registered in the British Virgin Islands. We asked Andrew Lansley for his view; "You don't seriously expect important companies like these to pay taxes do you? There's no point in parcelling out the NHS to these vultures unless we make it worth my - sorry, I mean worth their while. I have complete confidence that my reform of the NHS will deliver a better service for the peasants, just as the privatised railways and utilities have delivered value for money. And, even if they don't, it won't make any difference to their executives who will be paid huge amounts of money no matter how rubbish they are. We've all waited a long time to get our hands on the NHS and we intend to plunder it for every penny we can get. As for the patients, or profit units as we like to call them, they'll get what they can afford to pay for."
Baroness Warnock, pictured above and the nearest thing that the Tories have to an intellectual, has called on old people to kill themselves rather than be a burden on the country. "If you're demented," the demented old bat told reporters, "you're wasting people's lives – your family's lives – and you're wasting the resources of the National Health Service." We asked the insane peer for a further comment on her "ethical" stand; "The Nazi's had it right. Anyone who is not considered useful by the state should be euthenased so the rest of us don't have to pay taxes. Only if old people, like me, remain as fresh as they were when they were 20 and manage to get a seat in the House of Lords should they be spared. Otherwise they should be humanely gassed and their bodies used as fertiliser. I have been very concerned about the scandal of our old people's carehomes and have come to the conclusion that the only answer is to close them all. In fact, to be honest, I think that anyone who doesn't vote Tory should be murdered as well."
On January 4th 1981 Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher met in secret with Rupert Murdoch to offer her help in allowing him to dominate the media in Britain. It took 30 years for the consequencies of that meeting to be revealed and they were grim indeed. No party leader felt that he could hope to win a general election without the permission of Murdoch and, in return, politicians turned a blind eye to the sheer criminality that Murdoch unleashed on the country. With politicians safely in his hip pocket Murdoch went on to suborn public officials including the police and felt free to pry into anyone's life if it would make him wealthier. And what was Margaret Thatcher's motive for this pact with the devil? Ideology - more specifically the ideology that informs all Tories that the working class is evil and that trade unions must be destroyed to ensure their domination of the country. Murdoch was her drummer boy leading the charge against the unions. Essentially she sold every man, woman and child in Britain down the river for her own selfish ends. Now a new generation of rabid ideologues have taken possession of No.10 and they are determined to complete the process that Thatcher began. They promote an insane ideology over the interests of their own country because they have been driven collectively mad by their own greed and selfishness. They demand from us everything we have - our healthcare system, our wages, our jobs and the future of our children - because they cannot bear the idea that someone else has anything and that, therefore, they can't have everything. The budget that is about to be unleashed on us will demonstrate quite clearly where their priorities lie and it is not in the interests of the people they claim to represent. It will be a budget for the wealthy - for the Murdoch's of this world who see us as their prey and for those whose who plunder our economy with no thought of making any contribution themselves. Ideology is a one sided answer for every question and, as far as the Tories are concerned, their only answer is "me, me, me."
Devonshire County Council is about to privatise children's halth care and flog it off to vultures who measure everything by how much money they can make. One of the marks of a civilized country is its attitude to their children, with many third world countries proud that they at least can offer some healthcare provision for them. Readers will have often seen instances of medical professionals offering their services free of charge to help a poor third world country save its children. Devon's move is, therefore, even more inexplicable until, that is, you realise that it is completely dominated by a bunch of Tory psychopaths. The county, and more importantly its children, are to lead the way in the Tory experiment to allow our level of healthcare to be determined not by doctors but by money-hungry executives. This is ideology pure and simple and an insane one at that. Readers will only have to look at the railways and utilities to see the future of the NHS under these monsters. Greed will be allowed to roam free while patients will have to pay through the nose for a badly-run service that will fail to ever meet any of its targets. Its executives will grab armfulls of cash, whether they are successful or not and people will suffer and die abandoned in hospitals manned by badly trained staff on the minimum wage who will probably not even be able to speak English. Don't believe me? Visit your local privately owned carehome and have your eyes opened.
Friday, 16 March 2012
Every nation that is about to collapse into revolution has its "let them eat cake moment." Its that defining moment when the powers that be simply go too far, when their arrogant self-assurance melts into utter bewilderment because someone somewhere says "no." Britain has now reached that point and it has a choice. It can either roll over and play dead for the likes of Cameron and Osborne or it can simply say "no" and save itself from utter destruction. The Tories have nothing to offer but injustice and an ever widening distance between the haves and the have nots. We have seen what their plans are for the NHS - privatisation for the benefit of a wealthy few and a healthcare system that most of us will never have enough money to enjoy. All of us, by now, must know a young person who is in a good job but will never be able to even rent a home of their own let alone buy one. That is the result of a system begun under the leadership of Margaret Thatcher that has deliberately concentrated the ownership of property into the hands of the few and, at the same time, deliberately kept wages low. Most of us, despite years of unparalleled growth, are no better off now than we were 30 years ago and a good proportion are considerably worse off. Education has collapsed to the point where we are now only 25th in the world league table and the numbers going to university have already begun to decline. While it was as clear as day that bankers were responsible for the most recent collpase of the world economy, the Tories have continued to blame "socialism" and to punish the victims of this crime rather than the perpetrators. The forthcoming budget has been extensively leaked and it makes grim reading. Tax breaks for the already wealthy and more wage cuts for the rest, with particular spite reserved for the north where public sector wages will be cut in realtion to those earned in the south. Tax credits for those on scandalously low wages are also to be slashed, ending the public support of greedy businessmen by throwing the poor to the wolves. This is not a budget for the country. It is a budget for the wealthy and a naked cynical attempt to turn Britain into the Dickensian hell that the Tories miss so much.
While George Osborne contemplates to mouth-watering prospect of rewarding the greedy and avaricious in his budget, the vulnerable in Britain continue to be lashed unmercifully. After the first raft of disability reassessments over a third of claimants have been denied benefits while 333,000 disabled people have launched appeals at a cost of £50 million in this year alone. Better yet 68% of such claims are overturned on appeal, despite the £100 million a year paid to Atos who access people by computer in a "money-for-old-rope" deal with the DWP. Meanwhile a "Which?" survey of home care for the elderly has found that this is notning less than "disgraceful." In a statement the executive director of "Which?", Richard Lloyd, said: "The government can no longer claim to be shocked as report after report highlights the pitiful state of care for older people. If they are serious about ensuring vulnerable people are treated with dignity, then we must see real action because every day they delay is another day older people risk being neglected." We asked a government spokesperson for the Coalition reaction to these stories; "Well, three important facts immediately come to mind. First, both groups are largelly housebound and, therefore, don't vote. Second, both groups, especially after we've finished with them, are unlikely to live too much longer. Third, they don't pay tax but, instead, actually cost money and help to put taxes up for the rich. Given these facts our considered response must be we couldn't give a damn."
In what has become a depressingly familiar pantomime Nick Clegg has once again betrayed the country while hiding behind s fig leaf. He has finally agreed to allow the Tories to reward the greedy by lowering the highest rate of income tax and substitute a "Tycoon Tax" that will be much easier to dodge. According to the Tories paying 10p in the £1 is enough to prevent businessmen and entrepeneurs from getting out of bed in the morning while making it easier for them to pile up the dosh will galvanise them into action. As an idea it has as much to recommend it as the idea that paying huge amounts of money to bankers is necessary to attract "the best people," or that paying poor people less and taking away their rights will make them more eager to work. We asked Nick Clegg for his comments; "I didn't want to upset my Tory pals so had to look around for an acceptable way to let everyone else down while still appearing to do the right thing. My Tycoon Tax, with built-in loopholes you could drive an elephant through, was the answer and I'm very pleased that I've managed to palm it off on the British people. Fortunately most of them only have enough intelligence to swill copious amounts of lager and watch a football match and, with the help of The Sun, The Daily Mail and the BBC, I have effectively been able to pull the wool over their eyes yet again. Most of them now agree that taxing rich people less while they are squeezed until the pips squeek is a good idea and I must say that I can now see the advantages of Tory tactics which treat the electorate as the dummies they are."
Thursday, 15 March 2012
If the growth in unemployment, or "acceptable losses" as the Tories regard it, the parlous state of the country's economy and the repeated threats to reduce its credit rating are not enough to demonstrate that George Osborne is an idiot of staggering proportion, then his latest idea shows beyond all doubt that he most definitely is. Having carefully explained to us all why his catalogue of economic disaster means that we need more and not less austerity, he is now suggesting the launch of a 100 year bond. His reasoning, if that is the right word, is that he can sell a long-term bond with a locked-in low rate of return that will give the government lots and lots of saver's money while the capital won't have to be paid back for three generations. There are several problems with such a scheme unfortunately. Even if savers can be persuaded to invest their money for a low rate of return, the markets will regard such a bond as worthless and simply won't be willing to trade in it. The major problem, however, is that such a bond is nothing less than a cynical attempt to rip off the people foolish enough to buy them. It is unlikely that the yearly return will keep pace with inflation and, in one hundred years when the bonds mature, that inflation will have eroded their value to a point where they won't be worth the effort of cashing them in. In other words George Osborne, taking a leaf out of the banking industry's book, is deliberately attempting to sell a junk bond that he knows is not worth the paper its written on. Not only an idiot then, he's also a crook.
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Ian Duncan Smith has come up with yet another wizard wheeze to divert money from ordinary people and into the hands of his rich mates. His scheme involves nothing less than privatising social breakdown by engaging private companies to "tackle its underlying causes." Having done as much as possible to accelerate social breakdown, he now proposes that private companies be used to "steer vulnerable people away from crime, drugs, unemployment truancy or family breakdown." Presumably he expects these companies to do this in much the same way that companies like A4e have tackled the causes of unemployment by making people work for nothing or accept training as shelf-stakers for Tesco. We asked IDS, winner of this year's "Most Evil Tory" award, for his comments; "£25bn is spent on the consequences of family breakdown and I intend to make sure that most of this lovely dosh ends up in the hands of my wealthy pals. Its a well-known fact amongst those rich people who agree with me that if you just give poor people money, the chances are you just feed the problem, such as drug addiction. If you give rich people the money, however, then the problems will miracalously disappear overnight. My proposed Early Intervention Board will oversee the process by inventing fictional means of measuring success and then handing out money to various fatcats for doing nothing whatsoever. I also propose to get rid of the present child poverty targets since they don't tell me what I want to hear and only encourage poor people to remain poor. What we need are proper incentives - such as the imminent prospect of starvation - to make these people become self-employed window cleaners, chimney sweeps and street-cleaners."
Monday, 12 March 2012
Back in 2007 a financier and academic, Nassim Nicholas Taleb pictured above, wrote a book called "The Black Swan" that put forward the startling theory that some events are entirely random, unpredictable and have profound effects on the world. Hardly a world shattering idea as anyone who has lived more than ten years on this planet can testify. However, Mr Taleb then went on the characterise the recent financial crash as one such "black swan" event. This, unfortunately, ignored the fact that he himself had predicted it and, as a financial wizard, had made a great deal of money out of it. It also blithly ignored the fact that many people, marginalised as they may have been, did predict the disaster. Now this genius in stating the bleeding obvious has a new angle on the crisis. Austerity measures, he tells us, are a necessary shield against any further financial shocks. Again, unfortunately for the rest of us, these measures should be shouldered not by those who caused the disaster (like Mr.Taleb himself) but by the mass of ordinary people who had nothing to do with it. All this would be rather laughable if not for one disturbing fact. Mr.Taleb has an admirer - David Cameron who thinks this purveyor of self-serving twaddle is a genius. So, as I'm sure you'll be happy to know, the misery being inflicted on you is necessary if the the financial system is to be protected and will continue for the foreseeable future. Mr.Taleb is basically saying that the capitalist system is so fragile that it must be protected against the likes of me and you and, in order to protect the wealthy, it must hunker down in a disaster-proof bunker. Talk about the blind leading blind, or in this case, the idiotic leading the truly stupid.
Sunday, 11 March 2012
Having sold his soul to the devil like a latter day Faust, Nick Clegg has tried to wash his hands in public with words that are frankly laughable. "Few things make me angrier as the unemployed struggle to find work, as ordinary families struggle to make ends meet, as young people struggle to get on the housing ladder: the sight of the wealthiest scheming to keep their tax bill down to the bare minimum is frankly disgraceful. Multimillionaires avoiding tax by moving their money around," he told conference delegates. It is axiomatic that no one should ever listen to what a politician says and, instead, should watch what they do. Nick Clegg has cooperated with the Tories to increase unemployment and to make sure that families have no choice other than to struggle to make ends meet. With the Tories he has not lifted a finger to help young people get on the property ladder, nor has he done anything to prevent the wealthy from cheating the taxman. And he certainly doesn't have to look far to see multimillionaires moving money around - all he has to do is glance around the cabinet room at No.10. The one thing he didn't draw to much attention to was the way in which he has stood by and watched the Tories attempt to privatise the NHS. He has managed to wheedle some ammendments out of the Tories but, at the end of the day, has not had the courage to stop the bill in its tracks. The man is a weasel and is leading a party that has betrayed everything it told us it stood for.
In a triumph for democracy in the LibDem party Nick Clegg has narrowly escaped being shown up for the two-faced liar he's proven to be. It had been widely expected that his party might just demonstrate that it still has some integrity left by voting to kill the NHS Reform Bill. Unable to summon up the courage, however, the party has instead voted not to debate the issue on the basis that it's too embarassing and might draw attention to its conversion to right-wing politics. We asked on the delegates for an explaination; "It was a close-run thing I can tell you. For a moment there I thought we might have to discuss in public what a bunch of weasels we've now become. As it is, all we have to do is support a policy that effectively privatises the NHS and betray the entire nation. Actually we're all quite proud that we are now a grown-up political party that can lie and cheat with the best of them. Now all we have to do is avoid a total wipe-out at the next general election and we have it made. Most of my colleagues have already decided to join the Tory party before the election, but I've decided to join Labour. After all, what difference does it make?"
Unemployment in Britain last month rose by 48,000 to 2.67m or 8.4 per cent, and is now at its highest level for 16 years. This despite the promises made by David Cameron and George Osborne that cuts in public-sector employment would be more than offset by increases in private-sector employment. We asked David Cameron what has gone wrong; "Gone wrong? What makes you think anything has gone wrong? This is merely phase two of my plan to beat the British people into submission. Let me explain. Phase one was throwing as many public-sector workers out of a job as possible and increasing unemployment to frightening proportions. Phase two will now consist of throwing up my hands in horror and looking puzzled before throwing millions of pounds of tax payers money at the private sector to "persuade" them to take on more workers. After that comes phase three in which I strip away all workers rights and pretend that they are resposnible for high unemployment in the first place. Not only does this cunning plan scare the hell out of the peasants it also transfers millions to my mates in companies like A4e and allows for the total destruction of the last remaining rights of workers. This will open the way for phase four - what used to be called slavery but is now termed "a fully flexible workforce." Now do you see?"
Saturday, 10 March 2012
The government has announced a new policy initiative that will give “cash incentives for high-performing police officers who can successfully fight crime”. We sked a government spokesperson how the "cash for collars" scheme will work; "We got the idea from the banking industry where the bonus culture has been an outstanding success - attracting the best people and creating more efficiency. We envision this doing the same for the police, with policemen and women on the beat being encouraged to find crime when none has existed before and the higher ranks reaping huge rewards for lying about it. In the same way that the banks flogged as much Personal Protection Insurance as they could to people who didn't need or want it, we expect the police to see ordinary citizens as opportunities to make a profit and arrest them for technical infringements of the law. We would have encouraged them to chase real criminals but that's too difficult and won't give us the results we're looking for, so there you are. We are confident, however, that paying high ranking police officers huge bonuses for the work done by the lower ranks will fit in rather well with the new economy we're hoping to create - where the rich get richer for doing nothing in particular and the poor get less for working ever harder. We are also confident that the bonus scheme will encourage just the right amount of corruption into policing and make it plain that its all about the money and nothing else. That way a policeman, faced with a wealthy upper-class criminal, will be able to make the necessary calculation between getting a bonus or accepting a bribe."
Just as the nation was coming to the conclusion that the Tories lied to us all during the last general election and that the LibDems have sold us all down the river for ministerial cars, Danny Alexander had decided to reassure the country that this isn't so. While the Tories are rampaging throught the economy like barbarians sacking the Roman Empire, the LibDems, he tells us, are actually regrouping to launch a counter-attack. We asked the most well-known muppet in the Coalition government as to what he proposes; "As you know we did promise that we'd raise the tax band for the lowest paid to £10,000 a year. We haven't delivered on that but I now propose that we raise that to £12,000 a year on the basis that it's a far more impressive figure to not deliver. I've talked to George Osborne and he assures me that we will be able to do it before the beginning of the next geological epoch. However, we in the LibDem's are committed to acting much faster than that and propose to make the necessary changes before the next Ice Age. We have also proposed measures such as the "mansion tax" which hasn't a hope in hell of getting past the Tories but I think looks really good on our CV. Closing tax loopholes is our next priority. This, together with measures to lower the corporate tax burden to 2p in the pound, should sort out the problem of the super-rich once and for all. They can't be accused of dodging tax if they don't have to pay any tax at all can they? The LibDems want the nation to know that we can be trusted and I believe that a mixture of unachievable promises, evasions and downright lies will do the trick - again."
Friday, 9 March 2012
In one of the biggest upsets of the sporting season Glasgow Rangers, a successful football team that pays its players far too much, has lost a crucial match with the banks, an unsucessful team that also pays its players far too much. While Glasgow Rangers may have disappointed several thousand fans by employing the greedy and stupid, the banks have disappointed the entire world by employing the even more greedy and stupid. The difference is that the football players have recognised how greedy and stupid they've been and accepted a 75% pay cut, while the banks couldn't give a tinker's cuss about how greedy and stupid they've been and helped themselves to a further £35,000,000 in "bonuses." We asked David Cameron why his government, despite the outrage the bankers have provoked, has done absolutely nothing to curb this disgusting display of greed; "Let me open my remarks by repeating the same old rubbish about attracting the best people. As you can see paying bankers more money than they can possibly be worth has paid dividends in terms of getting the best of the best. Some of these people are reputed to have IQ's approaching that of Division 3 footballers and are almost at the same level as car park attendants. Secondly, I must also point out that if we refuse to pay these morons huge amounts of money many will simply leave the country and emigrate to Pluto. This would be disastrous for the City of London, which depends completely on just thirty bankers with a combined IQ of 60. This, as I'm sure you know, compares favourably with the present government with a combined IQ of just 12. All of which proves beyound any question that the NHS must be privatised."
This week has seen the final demise of the LibDems as a political force in Britain. Though they continue to exist as a political party, as a distinct political philosophy they no longer have any meaning at all. In quick succession they have helped the Tory party to commercialise the NHS beyond recognition, removed any possibility of access to law for the poor and supported a welfare bill that will condemn millions of their fellow citizens to poverty and homelessness, while at the same time denying them education or even jobs. Under the leadership of Nick Clegg they have shown themselves to be without any shred of credibility, decency or scruple, with nothing further to contribute to the nation. In a word they have become Tories. Providing cover for the real Tories to be as vicious and spiteful as they've always wanted to be, they are even sneered at by their new political allies. As Shirley Williams, pictured above, led her party into the government lobby in support of the NHS Reform Bill the Tory MP Bernard Jenkin gloated on Twitter; "Just walking through the lobby with Shirley Williams. Ha ha!" The party, once led by the great reformer William Gladstone, has now compleated its descent into the twilight world of right-wing politics from which it will never again emerge. They have not only betrayed themselves but they've also betrayed every man, woman and child in the country.
Thursday, 8 March 2012
In a triumph for Tory policy homelessness in Britain has increased by 14% in the last year and is set to increase even further as housing benefit cuts begin to bite. We asked David Cameron for a comment; "It's been a struggle as the limted amount of success we've enjoyed so far demonstrates. Fourteen per cent is a good start but we're expecting much better results in the near future. We are confident that we will have a significant number of people on the streets soon and achieve our target of 50% empty houses by the end of this year. Once this is achieved we can then demolish all the ugly housing that blights our country and replace it with beautiful open parklands where peasants can be hunted with greater ease. The most important thing, however, is that we will then be able to save billions on housing benefit and reduce the tax burden on the better sort of person in Britain. You have to remember that when I said "We're all in this together," I didn't actually promise that we'd all be in a house or even a job. We are all in this together but some of you will have to be in it outside."
The Tories have today given their verdict on Britain's railways. Have they found that the management of the private industries who took over the railways are greedy and selfish? That they pay themselves far too much for management techniques that hark back to the 19th century? Not a bit of it. The railways, they tell us, are so bad because the ordinary people who man it are paid too much and don't work long enough hours. They have come to pretty much the same conclusions about youth unemployment. Is it because of Britain's economic decline? Is it because our education system has been destroyed by political interference? Is it because this government has all but dedicated itself to creating as much unemployment as possibe? Of course not - it's because young people are paid too much and their answer is to freeze the minimum wage for youngsters under 20. Its the same familiar and weary story when it comes to defence and Britain's role in the world. The Tories have all but stripped Britain of any real defence capability and yet, at the same time, have clung to Trident like a child clinging to its mother's skirts. Why? Because Cameron and his cabinet of 19th century throw-backs have concluded that Trident, which cannot be deployed without American permission, offers them the only thing they really want - the ability to swagger about the world pretending we are still a world-class power. We don't have Trident because of a threat from Russia, China, Iran or Pakistan - we have it because of the threat to our prestige by the French. This government is not about releasing the abilities and creativity of its people. Far from finding ways to do this they have nakedly sought to curtail such a thing through reducing educational opportunity, lowering wages and increasing unemployment. Their only concern is the persuit of power and prestige for a narrow "upper" class, membership of which is dependant not on ability or creatvity, but on the blunt measure of wealth. For a Tory the amount of money someone has tells them everything they need to know about an individual. It is proof of virtue for them, ignoring, of course, that all too often it simply meaures an individual's greed and selfishness.
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
Alarmed at the idea that they might have upset the wealthy middle-classes over family allowance, the Tories are openly asking them if they prefer the loopholes offered by the 50p top rate of tax or the loopholes on offer in a "mansion tax." This is in a marked contrast to the choices offered to the poor which consited of "like it or lump it." We asked David Cameron, pictured above with fellow Tory party members at a private screening of "Schindler's List," for his comments; "We live in a democracy where it is only fair that those with money should be given choices about how they avoid paying tax. I'll freely admit that the controversy over family allowance has been a bit of a home goal. Taking free money from rich people? What were we thinking? So to make up for this shock it seems only fair to compensate them by the back door. As for giving poor people choice - what for? Poor people only waste money on things like heating and lighting, food and the occassional pair of shoes. Rich people, on the other hand, spend their money on far more imaginative things such as Aston Martins, good wine and pate. They're used to making choices while the poor have no choice and they shouldn't be confused by giving them any. The best thing to do with them is to lash them with a riding crop to keep them shuffling on."
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
David Cameron has told the "Telegraph" today of his "frustration" at the slow pace of reform in Britain. Politicians often say such things as they struggle with the eternal problem of allocating scare resources and balancing the needs of one group against another. Yet Cameron does not seem to struggle with such things at all - our scarce resources have already been earmarked almost exclusively for the wealthy and he supports only one group in society, the rich. So what, exactly is his problem? When you look at what he's trying to achieve the problem soon comes into focus. He is mounting an assault on the poor, disabled and sick with a ferocity and intensity that this country has never experienced. The unemployed are being harried and bullied into accepting unpaid work, the disabled are being humiliated in a never-ending cycle of assessment and the sick and dying are being forced to work for their benefits. People with dementia, MS and Parkinson's are being forced into "work capability assessments” every two years despite the fact that these illnesses have no cure and no improvement in their condition is possible. People with cancer are to be similarly assessed and, if it is found that they have more than six months to live, they will have to work for their benefits even if that involves scrubbing floors. It is not as if the Tories don't know what the likely outcome of this is likely to be since DWP staff are now undergoing training to cope with an upsurge of suicides amongst their "customers." All this leaves several questions unanswered. Why are the British people not protesting in the streets about this? Why are we passing by on the other side while a British government inflicts such unspeakable punishment on the poor, weak and sick? Have we now passed that threshold that Germany did in 1933 when the Nazi's were cheered for exactly the same policies? Are we actually in the early stages of a Facist revolution in Britain?
While David Cameron and his "Caring Conservatives" force poor people to pay for the banking crisis and use it as an excuse to push insane ideological policies that no one wants, the Icelanders have put their former prime minister, Geir Haarde, on trial. There is little prospect that he'll be found guilty of anything - even in Iceland greed and stupidity are not crimes - but the trial stands a very good chance of throwing light onto how corrupt and deliberately unfair capitalism has become. Many politicians, placed into a similar position, would be bale to fairly claim that "I did nothing illegal." But that depends on what your definition of legal is. On a strict legalistic view the Nazi's didn't do anything wrong between 1933 and 1945 since they acted within the framework of their own laws. At Neuremberg they had to be tried on the entirely novel basis of "Crimes Against Humanity" under an international legal framework that had no real legitimacy. Over the last 30 years the political elite have gradually eroded the laws that in the past restrained them from doing anything really supid and reckless. They have made it so that their selfishness and greed have counterbalanced such principles as common sense and a sense of duty to your country. They've sold this idiocy to the rest of us on the basis of the neoliberal economic thesis that, during a time of famine, the cure is to offer the rich bigger meals. Iceland is about to lift the lid on this and let us all see what the elites have been up to at our expense over the last 30 years - if the story makes it past the "Guardian" that is.
Sunday, 4 March 2012
The United States' most famous bigot and dirty old man, Rush Limbaugh, has apologised for calling a young female student a "slut" after she campaiged for her school to change its health insurance policy to cover contraception. Mr.Limbaugh who is a voiciferous supporter of Viagra for men, presumably because he can't get it up otherwise, is also well-known for marrying younger women because his money makes him irresistable. Meanwhile Rick Santorum has claimed that the United States is engaged in "a war against Satan," Mitt Romney remains incoherent on the US economy and Newt Gingrich is hoping to win by reminding the electorate that he plays golf. Here in Britain we have our own swivel-eyed dingbats in politics - Ian Duncan Smith and Michael Gove readily spring to mind - but we have nothing to compare to this freakshow. To our US readers we make this appeal - if one of these utterly insane nutjobs ever gets to the White House don't forget that the rest of us will have to put up with him as well.
A Government Minister has today launched a campaign to make British people stay at home for their summer holiday this year. "We know that we've made foreign holidays a forlorn hope this year for most people, but we've launched this campaign just in case one or two are thinking of escaping," a Government spokesman told our reporter. "Our thinking on this is two-fold. First we are very concerned that British people might visit countries that are actually better than their own - which is just about all of them except for Greece and Syria - and, second, we want Britain to appear full during the Olympic Games. It would be very embarassing if wealthy foreigners come to Britain for the Games and find that we've all bogged off to escape them. Of course these restrictions will not apply to MP's, members of the Royal family and other such highly successful benefit scroungers. In any case, having expended so much energy on making the British people thoroughly miserable, we wouldn't want it all go to waste during the summer would we?"
Vladimir Putin, the world's most famous gay pin-up, is set to win the Presidential election in Russia our Moscow correspondent has reported. Mr.Putin turned up today at the polling station stripped to the waist having wrestled a bear outside and granted our reporter an interview. Asked how he expected to win despite all the demonstrations against him he replied; "Well you know it's easy when your supporters get to vote three times each and my own vote is counted 3 million times. I got the idea from Britain where a third of the vote is enough to deliver a majority for any particular party." Our reporter then asked the President-In-All-But-Name for his views on Syria. "Of course I am a humanitarian and think that the one-sided reporting about Syria is a disgrace. We get pictures of civilians being slaughtered in the streets and children shot dead by snipers. But what about the report that landed on my desk the other day describing how a poor innocent member of a death sqaud stubbed his toe? When a dictator can't murder his own citizens with impunity, then what is the world coming to?" Our reporter then asked about Russia's relations with the West. "What relations?" Mr.Putin replied. "The West is only there to buy our gas."
Rumours in Whitehall suggest that Andrew Lansley, Minister for Stealing the NHS and Flogging It To His Mates, has either gone into hiding or has been placed into solitary confinement for his own good. No.10 has "seized the reins" amid fears that his "Welfare Reform Bill" will be even less popular that his "NHS Reform Bill." Rumours abound that certain clauses in the bill, such as old people being forcibly searched for any money they still possess and their bodies being recycled as fodder for farm animals, are to be dropped at least for the time being. "This is a serious blow to our plans for the enslavement of the more useless members of our society," a spokesman for the influential right-wing 1922 Committee told us. "While we intended to privatise anything that could conceivably make a profit and nationalise anything that can't such as the banks, we have been thwarted in our plans to declare the disabled and pensioners as disposable assets. This is very disappointing since we've already negotiated contracts for using the disabled and dying in nuclear power plants and selling old people for medical research. Dr.Mengele never had this problem."
David Cameron, the winner of this year's "Total Pratt" award, is still taking advice from A4e on privatisation despite a police investigation into fraud at the company. "The company won't actually be involved in the next wave of privatisation as such," a government spokesman told our reporter, "though they will, of course, we well placed to invest in those areas they advise on. So far they have given valuable advice on how to privatise the NHS, the police and welfare." Our reporter was able to get sight of a copy of A4e's advice so far; "Rule No.1. Find something that doesn't belong to you and flog it. Rule No.2. Flog it at a knock-down rate to pals who'll divert some of the profits to you as "party donations." Rule No.3. Ignore all protests from the people who actually own it. Rule No.4. Allow new owners to raise prices and continue to do so until it becomes unaffordable to the peasants. Rule No.5. Pay new executives eye-watering wages plus unlimited expenses to attract the "best" people (i.e. the greedy, selfish and amoral). Rule No.6. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, REGULATE."
Saturday, 3 March 2012
In one of the most remarkable acts of sheer imbecility ever witnessed in British politics David Cameron has told his party that he remains defiant in the face of opposition to the NHS Reform Bill. "Fortune favours the utterly stupid," he told the audience as one shouted out "No," - demonstrating that some Tories at least still have working brain cells. "Yes, it does," the badly delusional PM shot back. "Destroying the NHS is in this party's DNA," he went on to say. "And we will destroy it no matter how many lies we have to tell the peasants. I am willing to take a hit on this." As Tories lined up pulling on boxing gloves Andrew Lansley threw himself in front of the "beloved leader" and vowed his undying loyalty. Michael Gove, seen sharpening a collection of knives and passing them to Theresa May, Chris Grayling and Liam Fox, added that Cameron still commanded the respect and loyalty of the cabinet while Nick Clegg and Vince Cable ran for the relative safety of LibDem headquarters. Later Cameron was heard to say "The Ides of March are here," while Ken Clarke muttered "Aye Cameron, but not yet gone."