The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday 29 January 2012

Ian Duncan Smith Gains Lead In "Two-Faced Tory Of The Year" Contest.


Early indications are that Ian Duncan Smith has snatched the lead from David Cameron in this year's "Two-Faced Tory of the Year" award. While other former front runners like Andrew Lansley, Michael Gove and George Osborne have been forced out of the competition by being found out and David Cameron has floundered somewhat over the RBS controversy, IDS has come out fighting today. Talking on the Andrew Marr show he made it perfectly clear that vetoing Stephen Hester's bonus is not on the cards because "chaos would ensue." The exact nature of the "chaos" remains somewhat obscure, but he did hint that it would cost even more money without actually detailing why. Having disposed of that item the committed Christian then went on to detail how he planned to pursue his campaign against the poor with unabated ferocity. Telling Mr.Marr that his proposed cap on benefits was "overwhelmingly popular" amongst an electorate encouraged to regard anyone out of work as a scrounger, he also told him that he would not be deterred from the "ethnic cleaning" of London based on levels of wealth. "We can't have the streets being clogged up with the poor and destitute during the Olympics," he told the "News in Shorts" after the BBC interview. "I would also like to refute the argument that I am campaigning against the smelly under classes while featherbedding the fragrant rich. As a Christian it is clearly my duty to be charitable to the poor by throwing them out of their homes, starving their disabled children and using the unemployed as slave labour. At the same time it is also my duty to protect the better sort of person in this country who deserve help because they are very worried about their money. It's a tragic situation when wealthy people are in danger of losing the unearned profit in their modest 12-bedroomed mansions and have to think about selling their villas in Spain."

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