The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday 21 January 2012

Boris Speaks Treason.


Boris Johnson has layed into British youth, saying that they lack the energy to get jobs and that foreign youngsters have taken their jobs because they are idle. We asked Boris to expand on this startling conclusion; "Its self evident isn't it when you go into Pret a Manger and its run almost entirely by foreign youngsters. These hard-working young foreigners are grateful for low-paid jobs with a total lack of rights and British youth should do the same. They should forget their university education and be grateful that privilged people like me are willing to see them in dead-end jobs with barely enough money to starve. I'm afraid that they'll just have to accept that I am rich because I inherited money and they are poor because they deserve to be. All we are asking of them is that they accept that they have no prospects, that their education is irrelevant if they didn't go to Oxford or Cambridge and that they face a life of grinding poverty. Once they do then the Tory party can get back to its main preoccupations - grabbing as much for ourselves as possible, ruling for a tiny privileged elite and treating the peasants of this country with the contempt they deserve." We asked our political editor for his reaction; "When a British politician argues that his own people have unrealistic expectations, that he feels no need to even try and meet those expectations and that he'd rather see foreigners in the country working for next to nothing than give his own people a helping hand, then its time to start talking in terms of treason. If Boris hates his own countrymen so much he really should leave and find another line of work. What the Tories don't seem to get is that they are public servants who should be working for us - in our interests and not on the interests of foreign nationals."

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