The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday 24 December 2011

Poll Shows That Political Leaders Are Out Of Touch.


A poll in today's "Independent" shows that 80% of all voters believe that capitalism is out of control and that business should not take precedence over people. We asked a Coalition spokesperson why they don't seem to agree; "What would the electorate know? Both David Cameron and George Osborne, being millionaires, are perfectly in tune with the ordinary working man. People in this country must understand well that we are rich because we are superior and they are poor because they are inferior. They must also understand that business should take precedence over people because business is important and they are not. It's a well-known fact that God ordained that the Tory party should rule and that supporting other political parties is both evil and unpatriotic. People in Britain at the moment might believe that there's something wrong with the way the country's run but that's only because they are like children and don't know any better. As for being out of touch - people here in Britain might think so at the moment but this is not reflected in the rest of the Empire. Once we've sent the EU packing and the banks have rescued us from the global financial disaster caused by the last Labour government, everything will go back to normal and the peasants will stop harbouring ideas they are not qualified to understand. I'm afraid that if they don't stop this nonsense we'll have no choice but to take democracy off them until they learn to use it properly. I must also warn that any street protests, which are by their very nature criminal, will be countered by armed police. Protest has no place in modern Britain. This isn't Syria you know."

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