The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday 24 November 2011

Tories Cut Immigration To An All Time High.


After a year and a half of Tory government immigration into Britain has reached an all time high. Over 500,000 people came into the country during 2010 - 50% higher than in any other year. Half came to the country to enter full-time education, making up for the thousands of British students who can no longer afford it. We asked Theresa May for her comments; "The problem lies in the flat refusal of British people to leave. If we could get them to sod off then net immigration, which is the only figure I'm interested in, would look much better. As you can see from the figures our plans to turn the universities into an export industry are well advanced and we are very optimistic that we can soon do the same with the NHS. You have to realise that the last thing the Tory party needs is a bunch of bolshy Brits in the country. What we need now are people with impressive qualifications, preferably bought from British universities, that we can pay at the minimum wage and pack into rented accomodation twelve to a room. We're also hoping that, if we can attract people who don't actually speak English, they'll keep voting for us out of pure ignorance."

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