Wednesday, 30 November 2011
In a triumph for British journalism the Daily Telegraph has today written an editorial that makes no sense whatsoever. Defending a government made up of tax-dodging millionaires who can expect a pension in excess of £40,000 per year, they described the strike by 2 million public sector workers as a complete failure that is so dangerous we need emergency legislation to prevent a repeat of it. Their reason for this stance seems to be that, since pensions in the private sector are not worth having, then pensions in the public sector should be just as bad. That, apparently, is their definition of "fair." We asked the editor for his comments; "The Tories are a political party appointed by God to show how worthless the British actually are. They deserve only what Tories deign to give them and they should be grateful for the crumbs they are allowed. Workers rights are an absolute evil and workers who strike to protect themselves should be locked up. Not agreeing with the Tory party is both undemocratic and a sin."
As David Cameron sneered at two million strikers and described their action as "a damp squib," the Institute for Fiscal Studies has warned that ordinary people's income will be no better in 2014 than it was in 2002. This despite the fact that executive pay is increasing at the incredible rate of over 40% per year. We asked the Chancellor for Rich People Only for his comments; "Yes, we in the Tory party see this as a triumph. At last we have the working man where we want him - unemployed and virtually destitute. For Britian to be successful in the modern world it is vitally important that we turn back the clock to Medieval times. People have accused me of treating ordinary people like peasants but I refute this utterly. Peasants had far too many rights - did you know that they used to have Sundays off? Only with the return of slavery can rich people like me hope to maintain our wealth and power. I for one have already invested in a business that manufactures shackles. Of course I understand that slavery cannot be reintroduced overnight which is why we are only aiming for the return of day labour and the abolition of the minimum wage during this parliament. Once we've redrawn the constituency boundaries to guarantee a permanent Tory majority after the next election then we can really get down to work. Merry Christmas."
George Osborne, having outlined his plans to punish working people for not being rich enough to say "no," has told the BBC that he's not picking a fight with anyone. We asked him what he means; "Like most bullies I'm not looking for a fight - I'm looking for people to roll over and play dead for me. Unlike the banks, where obscene pay awards and unwarrented bonuses are key to attracting the "right" people, the public sector only attracts the best people if they have low wages, crap pensions and awful working conditions. It's a matter of class - bankers are the better sort of people whereas public sector workers are riffraff. I see my job as leading a crusade against the unions who simply won't accept the premise that their members should pay for the recession that people like me have caused. Strikes won't get them anywhere because the only sector I care about is offshore banking and I will happily see the country in ruins to protect my money. Nor will these strikes change anything - I am not open to argument and will enter negotiations only if the unions agree to all my demands in advance."
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Londoners seem set to choose Boris Johnson, pictured above with his father, as Mayor in preference to Ken Livingstone. We asked a well-known political pundit for an explaination; "I suppose that, in these times of economic hardship, having a bit of light comic relief is welcome. Boris scored particularly highly in the wake of the riots in London this year with his song and dance routine. It also nice to have a politician that hasn't got a clue what he's doing and doesn't try to hide it. Then there's the question of Boris replacing Cameron as leader of the Tory party - who would want to miss that? Everyone loves a bufoon and they don't get much more bufoonish than Boris,"
Ed Balls, in fine form, savaged George Osborne's mini-budget today and impaled the ailing Chancellor with his own broken promises and mis-judgements. For his part the Chancellor has promised to mend the economy by tearing up protection of the countryside, ignoring environmental concerns and, of course, taking workers rights away from them. To cap it all Mr.Osborne's programme of cutting spending has managed to deliver only more debt that is now certain to continue rising. We asked a leading economist for his view; "It was a total humiliation for Osborne to have to come to the House of Commons and lay out for all to see the extent of his utter failure. Unfortunately that's what you get when you have a Chancellor who knows absolutely nothing about economics and who has an intellect so limited it can only think in terms of a worn out ideology. All Ed Balls had to do was say "I told you so" - which he did to great effect. Osborne was visibly rattled despite his usual expression of smug self-satisfaction. Still what can you expect from an economic ignoramus?" We asked a leading Tory insider for his comments; "Oh God! Give me a drink - we're boned."
Monday, 28 November 2011
There were signs of panic in the Tory party today as their strategy - "Let's All Pretend It's The 1980's" - begins to unravel. The day began with an unexpected betrayal by the OECD which announced that a double-dip recession is now a certainty, followed by a poll that shows 61% of voters sympathise with public sector strikers and another that shows that only 28% of voters believe the government is doing a good job. George Osborne struck back with a belated attempt to persuade people he's finally found out what his job actually is while Michael Gove labelled middle-class strikers as 1980's style "militants." By midday it was clear that it was all going tits up and the Tories were forced to fall back on warning that Johnnie Foreigner in Europe might riot next year which was met with a resounding "so what?" We asked Margaret Thatcher, pictured above in one of her more lucid moments, where it had all gone wrong; "David should have asked the Argentinians to invade the Isle of Wight - that would have made all the difference and, given the state of Britain's defences, about the only island we could liberate with even a remote chance of success. I suggested that a battle between police and miners would play well, but the Polish refused to cooperate. I was as surprised as anyone to find that the country had actually moved on since the 1980's."
After their recent burning of President Obama in effigy, young Tories at St.Andrews University have continued their mysoginist campaign to recruit the vacuous and purile into their party with a poster campaign entitled "She can clean my toilet for £12" and featuring a photograph showing a scantily clad French maid. Meanwhile two of its members are reported today to be in hiding after writing a column entitled "Musing On The Violent Rape of Women" in which they advised fellow Tories to punch their girlfriends in the head during sex. We asked a leading Tory for his view; "Just high jinks, don't ya know! All Tories like a bit of fun with a gel - especially if she's lower class and vulnerable. That's what fillys are for after all. As long as they marry a good Tory girl before embarking on a political career there's no harm done. There's nothing the British voter likes more than a Tory politician whose been a cad and a bounder when he was young - look at David, George and Boris. My advice to these young bucks is to take a riding crop to them if the gels complain or get a bit cheeky."
George Osborne, pictured above several months ago when he discovered that "Plan A" wasn't going to work, has finally picked up a book on economics and discovered John Maynard Keynes. Having attacked the British economy with all the glee of a serial killer released from Broadmoor on a one day pass, he as at last taken the first tentative steps to put right what he's been doing wrong for eighteen months. We asked a Tory insider for the party's reaction; "This was always our plan. We term it the, "only kidding" strategy. After threatening the country with complete economic meltdown we are now giving voters to good news so they'll be conned into voting for us again next time. Once we're safely in again - without the bloody LibDems - then we can really get to work at putting Britain back where it belongs - the 15th century."
Michael Gove, pictured above, appears to be in the midst of a time warp today as he described the unions representing respectable middle-class people as "militants." We asked the crazed minister what the hell he was talking about; "It is the 1980's all over again with militant unions determined to usher in a socialist revolution on behalf of a lumpen proleteriat and to launch a bid by the Reds to take over the world. A careful reading of Marx and Engels reveals that their plan always was to start a revolution amongst teachers and doctors to bring down the capitalist system. Only those, like me, with a special knowledge of such conspiracies can act as a mighty bulwark against this international revolution. Only yesterday I spoke to the spirit of Otto von Bismarck and he told me that I was right - God later confirmed it during an intimate conversation witnessed by Napoleon Bonaparte. Some people think I'm an insane reactionary but I will crush these naysayers even if that means bringing in the army to shoot them." We asked a psychiatrist for his analysis of Gove's comments; "He's a bloody nutcase and, as such, fits in well with his other cabinet colleagues. Someone should tell them that the glory days of the 1980's are over for the Tories and that aping a swivel-eyed Margaret Thatcher will only lead them to where they belong - the dustbin of history."
The super-rich owners of exclusive luxury apartments at One Hyde Park, where a one bedroomed flat costs millions, are avoiding paying council tax by the simple expedient of not registering their ownership. While council records show that only nine out of the sixty-two apartment owners have registered, council officials can't enter the building because of its security. Good to see we're all still in this together.
Sunday, 27 November 2011
Lord Ashcroft, the man famous only for being a tax-dodging millionaire, has written in the the "Telegraph" to give advice to George Osborne about being honest. The peer is a particularly loathsome individual who has practically bought the entire country of Belize in order to maintain his "pay no tax to anyone" business ethic. Worse, as far as the editor of the "News In Shorts" is concerned, is that he was recently described in a documentary concerning World War II as a "military historian." Lord Ashcroft "graduated" from Mid-Essex Technical College with a HND in Business Studies and has no right whatsoever to call himself an "historian" of any sort or variety. Now this unrepentent liar, a man once described by a judge as little better than a blackmailer, has had the sheer gaul to advise George Osborne to tell the truth. "A widespread feeling remains that many of those living on out of work benefits have chosen to do so," his Lordship tells us primly. Well he would know since he long ago gave up any pretence of work in favour of a life freeloading on the back of the rest of us. As for the economy he advises that George should ram home the message that international conditions have tied his hands while, at the same time, blaming Labour for the problem in the first place. Rather than allowing this tax-dodging millionaire to pollute its comumn inches the "Telegraph" would spend its time better if it led a campaign to have this individual prosecuted under the trades description act.
In two amazing developments today Michael Gove and Nick Clegg, pictured above, have demonstrated for everyone to see why their parties are not fit for government. Michael Gove has decided to send every English school an edition of the King James Bible to remind us all through our children how wonderful our influence on world culture has been. Meanwhile Nick Clegg has decided, in order to repackage what has become a toxic brand, to remind voters of the Liberal campaign to outlaw slavery during the early 19th century. We asked a government spokesman to explain; "It's all quite simple. We're terrified that people might begin to understand what's going on and look back to the 20th and late 19th centuries for solutions. This must be avoided at all costs since study of that period will demonstrate a steady improvement for ordinary people under the influence of socialism and other such evils. Instead we're hoping to turn their attention to earlier periods in history when most people didn't have the vote and they simply did as they were told - or else. We believe that a few rousing speeches from Shakespeare's "Henry V" will do the trick and, if not, threats of fire and brimstone will scare the shit out of them. If we can just get back to the days of zero workers rights and not wasting time with elections and such like we can steer Britain to a brighter future somewhere in the fifteenth century. There's nothing like a dose of good old fashioned nationalism to make people stop thinking."
Saturday, 26 November 2011
Andrew Draper, a former Tory district councillor for Waveney, has been found guilty of sending offensive e-mails to a female police sergeant after being arrested for drink driving. After the driving offence Mr.Draper complained at the way he'd been treated by the police. "How dare they arrest me for drink driving - I'm a Tory and have a God-given right to do whatever I like." When his complaint was dismissed he sent an e-mail that said; "How many brown envelopes did you take. You fat **** - when was the last time a man desired you?" We asked Mr.Draper for his side of things; "The local police knew I was a Tory councillor and, therefore, above the law, but they ignored this and wontonly prosecuted me for driving while pissed out of my brains. It's a disgrace. I'm not a common criminal - I'm a Tory criminal and should be treated as a special case. I'm deeply upset by their persistent failure to realise how important I am and how they've abused my Tory rights. Fortunately my close friend Theresa May has promised me that she will soon fire every policeman and woman in the country over this."
Ronald McDonald has announced that he is moving out of Rochdale for an undisclosed new address. "I've had enough," he told our reporter. "The place has gone to the dogs. Since the local drug dealers stopped usuing the restaurant I haven't been able to give my burgers away. Even the tramps have stopped using the toilets as a place to nap for half an hour. I blame Jamie Oliver with his "good food" campaign and the government who have made fine dining for the masses as a thing of the past." We asked a local resident for his reaction; "Good riddance to be honest. But it does go to show what this bloody government is doing to the economy if you can't even sell burgers to a bunch of teenagers - even if they do come from Yorkshire. I was thinking about emmigrating to Lancashire but I don't like foreign food and you can't get a decent cup of tea there."
In a desperate attempt to head off public sector strikes on November 30th the coalition has deployed its weapon of last resort - Danny Alexander pictured above. "We didn't want to do it," David Cameron told reporters, "but felt we have no choice. Danny is now at Defcon 1 and is poised to give the whole country a good talking to. We have made it clear to the unions that if they don't accept our plan to pauperise their members in old age, then we will take our bat and ball home. You have to realise that this threatens my plans to award myself with an Earldom when I retire and it must be stopped at all costs. I would also like to warn the unions that Francis Maude has already announced that he is losing patience with them - a threat to the well being of the nation that we simply cannot ignore. I cannot emphasise the danger of a slightly annoyed Tory party to the future of the country too much. If we can do this to the economy when feeling pretty smug imagine what might happen if we become irritated."
Visitors to Downing Street have recently reported a strong smell of burning rubber eminating from No.11 as George Osborne, leader of the "thick as a brick" tendency in the Tory party, executes one of the loudest u-turns in British political history. The OECD, finally noticing what anyone could have told them for free, has issued a warning that the British economy will go into recession next year. Plan A has not only failed, as anyone who knows even the rudiments of economics could have predicted, it has failed so spectacularly that it threatens the very stability of the nation. Not only has Osborne chosen the wrong strategy, if that's what it can be called, he has also managed to pull all the wrong levers, such as handing the banks billions of pounds in "quantative easing," as he has managed to sink the country with all hands. We asked Mr.Osborne for his comments; "Economics was never my strong suite to be honest. At university my area of interest was in the history of shoelaces and how to tie them. Since then I've only read two books on economics - Margaret Thatcher's "Economics Through Wishful Thinking" and Ronald and Nancy Reagan's "Economics And Astrology." I have modelled my economic policy on Hitler's very successful scorched earth defence of Germany in 1945 and simply don't understand why it hasn't worked. It seems that no matter how many poor people I sacrifice nothing seems to change. So I've reluctantly come to the conclusion that I must deploy Plan A+1 - which is exactly the same as Plan A but with added spite."
Thursday, 24 November 2011
After a year and a half of Tory government immigration into Britain has reached an all time high. Over 500,000 people came into the country during 2010 - 50% higher than in any other year. Half came to the country to enter full-time education, making up for the thousands of British students who can no longer afford it. We asked Theresa May for her comments; "The problem lies in the flat refusal of British people to leave. If we could get them to sod off then net immigration, which is the only figure I'm interested in, would look much better. As you can see from the figures our plans to turn the universities into an export industry are well advanced and we are very optimistic that we can soon do the same with the NHS. You have to realise that the last thing the Tory party needs is a bunch of bolshy Brits in the country. What we need now are people with impressive qualifications, preferably bought from British universities, that we can pay at the minimum wage and pack into rented accomodation twelve to a room. We're also hoping that, if we can attract people who don't actually speak English, they'll keep voting for us out of pure ignorance."
The Tories have today announced that the public sector strikes set for November 30th will cost the country £500 million. We asked George Osborne to explain where these figures came from. "We took the figure that we made up to explain how the Royal Wedding slowed the economy during the summer and doubled it. That came to nearly ten pounds and we decided that wasn't good enough so we took the figure we've spent on tickets for the Olympics to entertain our rich pals and cut that by a third. That seemed more like it so we went with that. Economics is not an exact science, you have to realise, which means that amateurs like me have plenty of room to inject as much fantasy as we like. That's why mass unemployment costs hardly anything and bombing Libya was a mere bagatel while one day's strike is an economic disaster of untrammeled proportion. Ordinary working people trying to protect themselves against the Tory party is an absolute evil that must be stopped at all costs. The economic survival of the country pales into insignificance when compared to the survival of me and my mates in government."
David Cameron, who likes to spend most of the summer on holiday, has announced that he will stamp out Britain's "sicknote culture" and long-term illness. "People in this country are bone idle," he told our reporter, "and we in the Tory party are determined to reverse this. I came to this conclusion last summer on a beach in Italy while avoiding responsibility for the riots and jotted it down in my notebook - look. That proves that, even though I spend half my life on a beach, I'm always thinking about the country and how utterly rotten it is. I have asked my cabinet colleagues to think up partucularly vicious ways to go about this and I must commend Ian Duncan Smith for his ability to ignore all evidence that contradicts my ridiculous notion. People in Britain have spent too much time catching diseases such as flu and the like and it must be stamped out. Far better that these people should drag themselves to work in order to infect others who can then, in turn, be utterly miserable. I am hoping that this policy will help to spread particularly virulent infections that might thin out the population a bit. Of course this will not apply to MP's, who can have as much time as they want for whatever reason they like, because they are far too important to be put at risk - especially me. I've decided to appoint panels to determine who is sick and who is not because they have the advantage of having no medical knowledge whatsoever. Doctors need no apply."
Sir Philip Green, who pays no tax in Britain because his huge Arcadia Group is "owned" by his wife who lives in Jersey, is moaning because his company is making less money. The Arcadia Group once benefited from supplying the unemployed with clothes for interviews in a deal with the DWP but that was stopped by the present government. Now Sir Pip is reduced to pursuing his business like any other retailer, though naturally he still avoids tax on an heroic scale. We asked him why he was moaning, considering how obscenely rich he is; "I won't feel safe until I have all the money there is and I don't feel as if I'm a success unless I avoid paying tax like everyone else. People like me should be allowed to do whatever we like because we're rich. I'm only suffering now because I bribed the wrong political party but I honestly thought the Tories had no chance of winning. I was right, as it turns out, but I didn't count on the LibDems being as craven and self-interested as myself. It's not fair - I've been an honest businessman all my life or at least as honest as I've needed to be."
While executive pay increased by 15% this year and middle management received a 7% increase, ordinary people's take home pay has fallen by 3.5%. We asked a Tory spokesperson for the government view. "Well, we're all in this together of course, but ordinary people have to realise that it is very important that natural Tory voters are protected against the effects of the recession. People who vote Tory are inherently superior and tend to speak with a better accent, thus demonstrating their right to exist. Ordinary people, on the other hand, often don't vote for us, speak with atrocious regional accents and should be exterminated with all the tools at our disposal. Since these people will soon not be able to afford energy, housing, treatment within the NHS or even food, what use are they to our modern corporate Britain? We need to get rid of them to make room for a better sort imported from abroad. Its a simple matter of supply and demand. We don't want them and they should therefore go even if that, with great regret, means starving to death in the street. These people have served their purpose over the last one hundred years and are now simply surplus to requirement. We, in the Tory party, are determined to make Britain fit for the 21st century no matter what the cost to ordinary citizens."
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
Tory MP and Health Minister Simon Burns has described his own constituents who oppose the government's plans for the NHS as "zombies." We asked the MP for an explaination; "Any one who disagrees with Tory policy is a zombie as far as I'm concerned. How dare these people disagree with me, the most important person in the world, or with my party's plans to flog off to their mates something that doesn't belong to them. I blame the schools for foolishly teaching these people to read and write. Schools should be confined to drumming into children the necessity of voting Tory and nothing more. As for letter writing, it is nothing more than terrorism and should be stamped out so that MP's like me can do what the hell we like without having to worry about things like democracy."
Young Tories at the University of St.Andrews have burned an effigy of the President of the United States, Barak Obama. "There is no question," a Tory spokesperson told our reporter, "that this was a racist attack. They burned the effigy because, in common with most Tories, they are mindless Hooray Henry's with all the childish spite that is common to their class." We asked a representative of the US Embassy for their view; "We've come to expect this kind of behaviour in Britain to be honest. The President has always believed that David Cameron and his Tory cabinet are a bunch of lightweights and, given their backgrounds, that is hardly surprising. They know nothing, have no real experience of life and seem to believe that prejudice is a philosophy of life. They also seem to inhabit an imaginary time frame set somewhere in the 19th century and have all the diplomatic skills of Attila the Hun. Apart from that they remain our staunch allies and we are working hard to maintain the "special relationship."
Tuesday, 22 November 2011
While November 22nd is a time of mourning in the United States - John Fitgerald Kennedy was assasinated on that date in 1963 - in Britain it should be a day of celebration, because on that date in 1990 we we're finally rid of Margaret Thatcher. It was, perhaps, the only time that the Tory party did actually work in the national interest. Francois Mitterand once described her as "having the lips of Marilyn Monroe and the eyes of Caligula." He was at least half right, though I doubt Caligula would have enjoyed the joke. I wonder what the old French wag would have said about Cameron? Answers on a postcard please.
Francis Maude while slashing the pension benefits of ordinary public workers, is amasing a huge pension pot for himself. His pot, it turns out, will be in the region of £731,000 which will yield over £40,000 per year when he retires. Nor is he alone since all government ministers, every one of them very eager to cut ordinary people's pensions, are in line for the same nice little earner when they give us all a break and finally retire from torturing the rest of us. We asked Mr.Maude for his comments; "I deserve a pension of this size because I'm a very important person who is better by far than your ordinary run of the mill peasant. People like me, the deserving rich, have to keep up certain standards in order to demonstrate our innate superiority. As a millionaire £40,000 a year is neither here nor there but I'm going to claim it because I wouldn't want it to end up supporting someone who doesn't deserve it - the disabled, poor pensioners and all that kind of rubbish. Ordinary people, once they get old, should have the good grace to die and relieve me and my rich rates of the burden they represent. We've made a start by making sure that people have no where to live, can't afford to heat their hovels and have no NHS to rely on. My advice to poor old age pensioners? Die soon so people like me can enjoy our twilight years."
Monday, 21 November 2011
David Cameron told the CBI today that tackling Britain's deficit has proven to be more difficult than he envisaged. "I don't understand it," he told the audience who listened agog. "I've thrown as many people as I can out of work, flattened the British economy with a mean tenderiser, poured billions into the banks and prayed to the Blessed Thatcher, but the deficit refuses to vanish." We asked our economics editor for his take on David Cameron's speech; "That's what happens when you replace common sense with ideology - especially the insane ideology that this dickhead adheres to. How the hell can you pay off the deficit when you make absolutely sure that the economy is shrinking quicker that George Osborne's dick in a cold shower? These people don't believe in evidence. Instead they get some idiotic idea in their head that no sane person would believe and then elevate it to government policy. A goog example is the myth that Britain is filled with workshy malingerers despite the fact that we have the second lowest incidence of sickdays in the whole of Europe and work the longest hours in the developed world. The Tory imagination, however, is still stuffed with armies of people claiming sick benefits despite being able to work. Now the appeal system is close the breaking point and its costs have soared into the tens of millions. Its a case of donkeys being led by an ass."
In a typical case of the Tory party missing the point yet again, they have announced plans to provide mortgages using taxpayers money to underwrite the debt. Cutting out the banks entirely, since they are utterly useless and completely untrustworthy, they are asking pension funds to invest directly in the scheme. "This will unlock the frozen property market," a Tory spokesperson said about the scheme. "Instead of asking for 20% deposits we will provide mortgages with significantly lower deposits." We asked our economics editor for his view; "Tossers. The reason that houses aren't selling is that no one can afford to buy them because prices are far too high. All this scheme will do is reactivate the subprime lending market which is what screwed us last time. The only difference is that the government has cut out the middle man, the banks, and made taxpayers responsible from the start. The Tories are trying to do is reinvent the wheel and a square one at that, while protecting their own ridiculous house values."
Sunday, 20 November 2011
In a disturbing development for the banking community democracy has once more reared its ugly head in Ireland. "New Beginning," a protest movement against corporate greed, has called for a mortgage strike to prevent banks from repossessing properties. Prompted by the flat refusal by the banks to pass on cuts in the base rate by the European Central Bank, the organisers have described the mortgage strike as a "nuclear weapon" in their struggle against ugratful bankers who were given £70 billion of taxpayers money to bail them out. We asked a spokesperson for the Irish banks for their reaction; "This is potentially very dangerous and may well lead to disaster - or at least it will do if we can arrange it in time. Every time you think that democracy has been successfully stamped out in one place it springs up somewhere else. We've lodged a protest with Goldman Sachs, the successors to the United Nations, and fully expect them to blackmail the Irish government into arresting these financial terrorists as soon as possible." We asked the Irish government what they might do to help the situation; "I'm afraid we haven't had our instructions from the IMF yet so we can't comment. As an emergency measure we've drafted legislation to prevent the homeless from erecting tents in full view of any TV cameras and we're confident that this should be enough."
As the Church of England swings behind protest against the Coalition's war against ordinary people, the government has decided to ban all protest during the Olympic games. We asked Seb Coe for his comments; "Its only right that all protest during the Games should be surpressed. If not, the government, who are not paying for the event, might be severely embarassed by those who are. We will tolerate no further dissent during the period when we are showcasing our democracy to the rest of the world. Resistence will be crushed in the interests of all those advertising during the events." Having spoken to the head of the Nazification of sport, we asked a leading LibDem for his comments; "This is all part of the reciprocal agreement between the Coalition partners. The Tories have agreed to ignore the Church and, in return, we have abandoned every principle we've ever had. Democracy is all very well when the Syrians, Egyptians and Libyans are dying for it, but we're too sophisticated for things like rights for ordinary people. If Jesus Christ was so interested in his fellow man why did he found a multi-billion pound religious industry? That's what the bishops should be thinking about." Confused our reporter next turned to the Church of England for their reaction; "It's a no-brainer to be honest. OK, we've spent the last 500 years flogging insurance policies to the superstitious who have no way to collect this side of the grave. However, if you have declared principles the problem is that sometimes you have to live up to them. Not that the LibDems understand that."
The Director General of the CBI, John Cridland pictured above, as described the British economy as being "in a bad place, with confidence evaporating." But he doesn't blame the government for it; "Throwing everyone out of work makes little difference to the British economy. What we need is to encourage business investment so that exports can be increased. This might inadvertently lead to an increase in employment but that can't be helped. In any case that can be offset by abolishing the minimum wage and workers rights. The point is that we must manufacture more expensive goods that British people can't afford and flog them to Johnnie Foreigner. The best thing that the government can do at the moment is to build more toll roads. That will fill business men's pockets, get more money for the government to claim as "expenses" and scam ordinary road users all at the same time. A tax cut for people like me would be nice as well."
Saturday, 19 November 2011
In an amzing about face today the Tories have revealed that they don't believe all doctors are entirely trustworthy. We asked a Tory spokesperson why; "Well, when it comes to privatising the NHS and appointing doctors to head up commissioning groups they are trustworthy. However when it comes to deciding when people are fit enough to work they're not. That's because the first case allows us to flog off the NHS to our mates, while the second allows sick people to claim benefits. You will immediately see the difference between the two. It's a simple case of taking rights away from the peasant workforce and then scamming them for as much as we can get. All perfectly fair I'm sure you'll agree." We asked a leading NHS doctor for his view; "I like Andrew Lansley very much. So much in fact I'd like to eat his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti."
William Hague has lost £30,000 on an investment in Sebastian Coe's company, Complete Leisure Group, which has now written off £3 million of its assets. There have also been indications that Mr.Coe may have been using his position as head of the British Olympic Games to reward some of his business associates. We asked a Tory insider to explain Mr.Coe's continued high profile success despite his obvious business limitations; "I have no idea how much Sebastian gets out of CLG which was set up to exploit his image rights but I know he gets £357,000 as head of the London Organising Committe of the Olympic Games. He also gets £100,000 a year as a non-executive director of AMT-SYBEX which provides IT services for London Underground and Thames Water. These positions were obtained on the basis that Mr.Coe could run really, really fast when he was younger and was made a Lord by William Hague when he was Troy party leader. Both these things, of course, meant that he was highly qualified to run businesses and was worth every penny of the half million or so that he earns every year. Any sports personality who happens to have a highly placed mate in the Tory party could do the same."
Friday, 18 November 2011
Nick Gibb, Tory Minister For Threatening Schools pictured above, has voiced his opposition to the strike action called for by NASUWT, the teachers union. "Strikes benefit no one," he told reporters. "They damage pupil's education, disrupt parent's lives and undermine teacher's professional standing. All these things are my job and, anyway, strikes also show the government up for the callous swine we actually are. The teacher's pension will still be better than most - not as good as mine its true, but good enough for peasants like them. This will also interfere with our plans to enrich pupil's lives by making them leave school at 14 to take up dead-end jobs that will never pay them enough to rent let alone buy a house. Its tragic - or at least it will be if I lose my job over it."
Boris Johnson, pictured above listening to citizen's concerns, has been caught out telling some really big whoppers. Having claimed that crime on London transport had fallen by quoting figures for a period before he became the Mayor of London, he has now claimed that youth crime in London is also falling. This despite Metropolitan Police figures that show quite conclusively that it has risen by over 9%. We asked Boris for his side of things; "Oh youth crime - I thought you said "tooth crime." I was quoting figures that show crime amongst dentists has fallen dramaically since I came to power. However, I would say that if you take out the figures for younger people committing crimes because they don't have jobs, then the figures are coming down. Of course that's mainly because most youngsters don't have jobs so there are fewer of those that do to commit crimes. But I digress. Since becoming Mayor of our capital I have made many enduring improvements. Rioting, for instance, has been kept to a bare minimum considering the Tory party is back in power and protest will soon be a thing of the past - along with democracy and social justice."
While the rest of us are worrying about our jobs and how we're going to pay the gas bill, Tory Energy Minister, Charles Hendry, has bought himself a castle. Blair Castle, pictured above, was purchased for £2.5 million by Mr.Hendry and his wife; "It's an ill wind that blows no one any good," Mr. Hendry told our reporter. "I understand that many ordinary people are struggling during the present recession, but I'm a Tory and that means I don't actually have to care. I will be claiming it as my second home, however, since its only fair that someone like me should get public money to help me buy it. I plan to run it as a hotel since there are several golf courses nearby and any unemployed person is welcome to book a room at the going rate of £350 per night so I'm doing my bit as far as I'm concerned. Several people have suggested that purchasing the castle at this time is a bit insensitive. But, I ask you, is there ever a good time to buy a castle? Well yes, actually, when property prices have fallen - but that's neither here nor there. I'm a Tory, my party is in power, so I deserve this."
With the hot and eager help of newspaper such as the "Daily Mail," David Cameron has set off for Europe determined to do battle against the evil designs of Germany. Angela Merkel, they would have us believe, is a new Hitler while our brave PM is a new Churchill. The truth is there is no new Hitler and Cameron is more like Neville Chamberlain than Churchill - except that Cameron has surrendered to the banks rather than facism. We asked our German correspondent for his comments; "Ach, mein Gott! What is wrong with you people? Everything with you is about the war or towels on sunloungers. You are lucky that we Germans have such forgiving natures and a developed sense of humour. The reason why a Tobin tax would fall unequally on London is because British governments sold their souls to the banks, like Faust but without the music. Now, when your complete failure to regulate them has brought the entire world economy to its knees, you bleat that its "unfair." It was "unfair" when you were trousering billions at everyone else's expense by refusing to regulate in order to attract as many banking bandits to your country as possible. Democracy in Britain has been missing for many years and now you've managed to bring it to its knees in the rest of Europe as well. Congratulations - if anyone could be accused of being a new Hitler it's Cameron not Angela Merkel."
Thursday, 17 November 2011
Sir Dick has moved with indecent haste to thank the Tories for flogging him a bank at a knockdown price by backing their "pauperise everyone but us" campaign. We asked Sir Dick for his comments; "You know how it is - I scratch your back, you scratch mine - one hand washes the other - democracy at its best. They give me what I need to make me even richer than Croesus and then I say nice things about them even though they are what we call in the business world "stupid." I firmly believe that the only way for Britain to get out of this present recession is to make me richer and throw everyone else out of work. The next government must not put off tough decisions if we are to save people like me from feeling any effect whatsoever from the present economic downturn. I'm came from a working-class background and know exactly what has to be done in order to forget it and become completely insensitive to the needs of others."
Andrew Lansley, above, has accused the Labour party of trying to turn the clock back to 1948 over their plan to repeal his NHS legislation. "That's the trouble with the Labour party," he told our reporter. "They lack any real ambition. The all new Tory party, on the other hand, is trying to turn the clock back to 1848 - a time when the peasants knew their place and lived in the poverty they deserve. Its nothing more than a publicity stunt by Andy Burnham to put off all the bloodsuckers we intend to flog the NHS to and make them wonder how much they can milk it for before its taken out of their talons. Well it won't work. I have complete faith in the utter stupidity of the average uneducated voter and look forward to enjoying our majority in the Commons for next 100 years now we've bought the LibDem party for next to nothing."
Northern Rock, pictured above with a few of its real owners, has been described by BBC in terms of the Government making a loss on its sale to Virgin Money. We asked George Osborne what that means exactly; "Well we've flogged it off to Sir Richard Branson for £747 million losing about £650 million in the process. Take the 650 MP's at Westminster at that comes out at £1 million each. No, only joking. When we say "the Government" we of course mean you. This is a good deal for both Sir Dick and for the Tory party which expects to trouser a great deal of the money in a creative accounting exercise that is perfectly legal - or it will be when we change the law. Some of the money will also come in handy for tax cuts for the wealthy and funding the privatisation of the NHS. Just for good measure we've retained Northern Rock Asset Management, where the £21 billion of bad debt is kept, in public owndership. Its a crappy deal for the taxpayer but, heyho, who cares? That's what the peasants are for - exploitation."
In a week when the "Guardian" has revealed that the young unemployed are being pressed into unpaid work for multi-million pound companies or face lsong benefits, the Tory MP Dominic Raab pictured above has called, yet again, for the abolition of all worker's rights. This despite the fact that employment laws are far more stringent in economies such as Denmark, Norway and Sweden, all of whom are doing better than Britain. We asked Mr.Raab for his comments; "Look we've got a chance here to overturn all the anti-capitalism legislation that has been passed in this country over the last 100 years and we must not miss the opportunity. As you know unegulated capitalism has been an outstanding success over the last 30 years and we now need to dergulate employment. If we can pauperise the working class and make them feel completely insecure they will immediately go out and spend all their money, saving the economy for rich people like me. It stands to reason that underming the customer base by spreading poverty will end the recession. Once the working classes have nothing the pent up demand will be tremendous. All we have to do then is find a way of getting them to buy goods and services when they have no money whatsoever and everything will come right. Did I tell you that my grandmother thinks I'm a genius?"
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
Figures out today show that unemployment is the highest for 17 years and that youth unemployment has now reached 1 million. The ability of the private sector to offset this, as promised by George Osborne, has failed to materialise as it too shrinks - British Gas, only today, has announced another 850 redundancies - while claims that it is due to troubles in the Eurozone are also false - unemployment was already rising under the Tory squeeze before the Eurozone crisis began. We asked George Osborne for a comment; "Politics is all about what is possible and its is certainly possible for me to wreck the economy and throw everyone out of work. Doing so is necessary in order to bring down Britain's borrowing and cut taxes for the wealthy. I know that all this talk about the Eurozone is a load of old cobblers but I need an excuse to keep Tory supporters happy that their feeble alibi for voting Tory can still be defended. Many of these plebians think that if they vote for us they too will be protected from the consequencies of the recession - they won't but, by the time they find that out, it will be too late. With democracy in full retreat across Europe and with the new boundary changes here in Britain, we believe that we can steal the next election and be in a position to crucify the country for years to come. Happy days are here again....."