The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday 12 September 2011

Tories Tackle the Banks.

In the wake of the long awaited report on the banks George Osbourne has decided to kick reform into the long grass. "We have seen the report, which we commissioned, and we "agree" with every word of it. Unfortunately, owing to the wind and the rain, we've decided to put any action off until 2019. We have many reasons for this and I shall spend the rest of the week trying to come up with some." While Tory apologists lined up at the BBC to explain how marvelous this all is, the banks put on a convincing show of being horrified. "It's terrible," one banking spokesperson told "The News in Shorts"; "We know this report will probably never be implimented and our bonuses are safe but this might prompt us all to leave the country and live in some Godforsaken third world country where you can't get a decent cup of tea." David Cameron, visiting Russia to get tips on democracy from Premier Putin, commented; "Let this be a lesson to the banks. If they continue to behave as if they live in a casino using other people's money then we will almost certainly blame Labour."

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