"Stop, Or The Kitten Gets It."

Christine Hemming, wife of LibDem MP John Hemming, has been found guilty of kidnapping and murdering a kitten. Mrs Hemming, at the centre of a love triangle of people whose faces could all stop a clock, said; "I don't remember taking the kitten - my mind is a blank. I just want to put this behind me and relax." Husband John, reputed to have had 26 affairs during his marriage, said; "I'm far more interested in screwing up the economy than worrying about a bloody cat." Asked about his 26 affairs he replied; "Yes, I have reputation as a ladies man, which I put down to my stunning good looks and spotless character." A government spokesperson told "The News In Shorts"; "He's just the kind of man we need in politics - even his own wife can't trust him." Meanwhile the whereabouts of the kitten remain shrouded in mystery though police are investigating the possibility that it has left the country in disguise, ashamed of its connections to the LibDem party. An RSPCA spokesperson told us; "We've had several cases of kittens vanishing from the homes of Tory and LibDem MP's recently. We fear this might turn out to be a case of mass suicide."