Osbourne Finds £5 Billion Under His Bed.

George Osbourne, rumoured to be Britain's Chancellor of the Exchequer, has announced today that he has found £5 billion pounds he'd forgotten about. "I forgot all about it," he told our reporter. "I must have put it under the bed before I left on holiday and didn't think about it until now. I know that people have been calling for a "Plan B" but that, of course, is out of the question. However, I do have a "Plan A+1" which I developed at the same time as "Plan A" which I can use. This plan is a radical idea that involves investing in Britain to stimulate the economy and is, therefore, nothing like the Labour Party's so-called "Plan B" which called for investing in Britain to stimulate growth." David Cameron, topping up his suntan on a beach in Libya, told our Middle Eastern corresspondent; "It's a bloody good idea and is nothing like Labour's "Plan B" which, of course, is completely out of the question. We actually had the idea months ago but didn't want to talk about it because we're a bit shy like that." Ed Balls was reportedly furious. "That's my idea," he told the BBC. "Those bloody Tories nicked it from me. I've a good mind to complain or something."