The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday 30 September 2011

Minister Makes Bid to Appear on "Top Gear"

In a desperate attempt to win a guest spot on "Top Gear" Transport Minister Philip Hammond (no relation) has suggested that the speed limit on British motorways be raised to 80 mph. "Apart from pleasing Jeremy Clarkson," the Minister told us, "there are many advantages to be gained from this. We confidently believe that accidents are almost bound to rise giving a much needed boost to car sales, sales of car parts and insurance companies. Higher speeds will also involve using more fuel which, with the amount of tax we load fuel with, will give a huge boost to the Treasury." Asked about the probable increase in road deaths the Minister told us; "There's another advantage - undertakers will make a fortune and it will help to clear the roads of the useless excess population." We asked a transport expert, Dr. Ferrari, for his views; "Bloody marvelous idea if you ask me. Do you have any idea how many ministers are charging up and down motorways on any particular day? With a bit of luck many of them will end up as mangled remains inside the wrecks of their own government jaguars."

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