The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday 12 September 2011

Main Parties Cooperate To Do Nothing About The Banks.

All three major parties were in unusual concord today as Parliament debated George Osbourne's plan to put off doing anything about the banks for as long as possible. "Timing is of the essence," the Chancellor told a hushed house. "We musn't do anything precipitate or even effective. " Ed Balls was in full agreement; "We are eternally grateful to my right honourable colleague for not asking us to do anything when we win the next election. 2019 is an excellent year to tackle the banks since most of us here today will have retired by then on our ring-fenced pensions." Vince Cable was visibly pleased. "For a moment there I thought they might do what I've been calling for when I believed they were going to do nothing at all. Now they have said they'll do something I am relieved that no one will be able to blame me before I die." Bankers were predictably upset. "They promised us they'd kick this one into the long grass and its barely made it into the rough. This will cause great uncertainty in the banking world and we might well have to raise our charges to make us feel better."

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