The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday 24 September 2011

Geithner Joins Politicians Who Want "Someone Else To Do Something."

In a surprise move today Timothy Geithner, US Treasury Secretary, has joined with other world politicians to urge someone else to do something about the world economy before its too late. This movement, which has been gathering momentum ever since politicians realised they are too cowardly to do something themselves, has many supporters in the court of world opinion but has little else to recommend it. "What we need now is decisive leadership," David Cameron told our reporter. "If only I knew someone like that I'd urge him to lead decisively." George Osborne, rumoured to be the Chancellor of the Exchequer despite having no discernable qualifications for the job said; "If only other countries would decisively do nothing like I've done, everything would come right - I think, though I can't be sure." Christine Legarde, made head of the IMF after demonstrating she wouldn't rape anyone, said; "We need a strong man with big bulging biceps and dark fathomless eyes to say to the world "Go ahead banks, make my day." Unfortunately all we have is Angela Merkle and even German don't listen to her." President Obama, having already wrestled with various boneheads over Palestine, told us; "It's not easy to be strong and decisive when you have the Republican party cutting you off at the knees. What's Europe's excuse?" Meanwhile bankers, through their mouthpiece, the IMF, have continued to hold a gun against their own heads and have warned world leaders, "Stop or I'll shoot."

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