Business Leaders to have Hotline to Government.

In a bid to streamline corruption in public life selected businesses are to be given a direct hotline to government. "This will both speed up the process of handing large amounts of money to ministers and hide it from prying eyes," a Tory spokesman told "The News in Shorts." "We are hoping that large companies will compete for the right to talk to us by upping their contributions to the party. But this should not be seen as corruption. When the unions give Labour money, that's corruption. When we get money from private enterprise, that's just good business." Vince Cable, the Minister for Funny Business, was unusually complacent; "It's no good business thinking that it only has to bribe the Tories. This is a coalition and if we have to share the crap we should get a good chunk of money as well." Asked for his comments Ed Milliband commented; "This is all old hat to be honest - Labour did this for years when we were in power. Except it wasn't business as such that had the hotline - it was the banks. How do you think Tony Blair got so many lucrative consultancies with the banks after he retired?" We approached the Parliamentary Ombudsman and asked if all this was legal; "Bugger off plebs," we were told. "Who do you think you are, Rupert Murdoch?"